The Bottom Ten is free-of-charge this year.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 8
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
With Vanderbilt furloughed for the next couple of weeks – resting up for its most important Bottom Ten stretch run ever – it’s time for other teams to strut their Bottom Ten stuff in the race for the pretty sacred ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy.
Hello Louisana-Monroe. The Warhawks are off to their first 0-5 start since 2003’s vaunted 1-11 squad and are in prime position to claim the ESPNCup for the first time.
In other news, Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are heartbroken over the postponement of the Florida International/Charlotte showdown – which would have been rife with Bottom Ten implications. No make-up date has been announced.
This week’s mess:
1. Louisiana-Monroe (0-5; lost to Liberty 40-7)
Mitigating Factors: With Vanderbilt off for next couple weeks, Warhawk fan(s) ecstatic over opportunity to give ascend B-10 throne for first time…Defense actually not too bad as completely inability to run ball showing way to B-10 glory, as Warhawks rank Next-To-Dead-Last in Rushing Offense (56.2 ypg).
Keep Your Eye On The Prize: Hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person joint entry returning to survey a possibility in 2020 as UL-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns lost to dreaded Coastal Carolina Saturday.
Next Loss: at South Alabama (10/24)
2. Kansas (0-4; lost to West Virginia 38-17)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks come back strong from bye week with come-from-ahead road loss…Defense takes charge after early interest by offense produces 10-0 lead, giving up 38 unanswered points…Jayhawks getting it done on both sides of the ball, ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Total Offense (261.3 ypg) and Scoring Defense (42.5 ppg).
And The Oscar Goes To: Jayhawks proud possessor of Interim Continental Cup – issued to squad with longest losing streak amongst teams that have actually played a game.
Next Loss: at Kansas State
3. Middle Tennessee (1-5; lost to North Texas 52-35)
Mitigating Factors: Clutch home loss in B-10 showdown game propels Blue Raiders straight to B-10 medal stand…Game not as close as score indicated as one Blue Raider touchdown actually scored by defense…With Blue Raiders in bowl games two (2) of past three (3) seasons, fan(s) still getting accustomed to losing as team 1-5 for first time since 2007.
When The Going Gets Tough…: Showing mettle that tends to keep teams on B-10 medal stands, Middle Tennessee blew 7-0, 28-14 leads.
Next Loss: at Rice
4. South Florida (1-4; lost to Temple 39-37)
Mitigating Factors: Bulls blow 11-point 3rd-quarter lead with Total Team Effort (TTE), as defense gives up two scores, offense chips in fumble returned for touchdown, special blows 2-point conversion…ADs of both schools pleased as announced attendance of 782 about what they would have drawn even without COVID restrictions.
…The Tough Get Going: With only win coming in opener, and with remaining teams combining for robust .519 win percentage, Bulls in prime position to take home first Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: Tulsa (10/23)
5. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: Though C-USA not completely dominating survey like last week – not even the Sun Belt Conference in its heyday was that dominating for crying out loud – they are still easy pick for weekly, coveted B-10 Conference of the Week honors as B-10 staple Rice opens this week…C-USA staffer’s application for COVID waiver granted as FIU/Charlotte showdown postponed.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Despite lousy teams in conference, C-USA still expected to finish with strong .500 conference play mark.
6. Mississippi State (1-3; lost to Texas A&M 28-14)
Mitigating Factors: New Bulldog coach Mike Leach delivering on promise to bring B-10 title to fans, as new Air Raid offense running aground with Bulldogs ranking Dead Last in Rushing Offense (28.5 ypg)…Only offensive touchdown in this thriller comes early in fourth-quarter as defense taken out back for whoopin’ after returning interception for touchdown.
Get Out Your History Books: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Bulldogs can become first team ever to take Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – after losing out after defeating defending national champions in opener.
Next Loss: at Alabama (10/31)
7. Texas-San Antonio (3-3; lost to Army 28-16)
Mitigating Factors: 3-3 teams seldom ranked, but Roadkill or Roadsigns – or whoever – have lost three (3) straight, with ranking secured by big strength-of-schedule points for beating Middle Tennessee…UTSA shows grit that generally leads straight to B-10 glory, rushing for almost 200 yards, refusing to turn ball over and still losing…UTSA ranked in B-10 for first time since anchoring survey at #10 in Week 5 last season.
Don’t Jump Off Bridges Before You Get To Them: While losable games remain, remaining opponents only have .476 win percentage, meaning there is no margin for error in quest for B-10 glory…Or maybe there’s lots of margin for error…B-10 pollsters have never been too sure.
Next Loss: Louisiana Tech
8. East Carolina (1-3; lost to Navy 37-23)
Mitigating Factors: Pirates back in survey after loss to latest crop of naval officer candidates…Game a nail-biter and not decided until offense produces clutch fumble on final play…Pirates show mastery of fundamentals with minus-86 miscellaneous yards, though B-10 pollsters unable to come up with smart-ass line regarding this because they (still) have no idea what miscellaneous yards are.
Numbers Game: Pirates have lost seven (7) of last nine (9).
Next Loss: at Tulsa (10/30)
9. Louisville (1-4; lost to Notre Dame 12-7)
Mitigating Factors: Cardinals make first appearance of 2020, with current four (4)-game skid, nations best amongst schools whose basketball teams provided hookers for recruits…Offense overcomes unusually stingy defense with five (5) punts and a missed field goal on seven possessions.
FunFact: Cardinals not the statistical juggernaut that traditionally wins B-10 titles, as lowest national ranking just 60th (Net Punting, 35.68 ypg).
Next Loss: Florida State
10. UMess (0-1; lost to Georgia Southern 41-0)
Mitigating Factors: UMess never in this one, back in natural habitat – the B-10 survey – after typical road shellacking…Minutemen, playing only game of year thanks to COVID, utter lack of interest by student body, get inaugural Early Bird Award for starting, finishing unvictoried season on same day.
Some Places Have Interns For This: With rest of season canceled, Minutemen first team to start, end season 0-1 since Louisiana College – now Louisiana College – in 1924.
Next Loss: Season over
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Middle Tennessee at Rice
Power 5 Thriller Of The Week: Louisville at Florida State
Lousy Rivalry Game Of The Week: Kansas at Kansas State
