The Bottom Ten is offered with our compliments this year.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 6
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s deja vu all over again for Bottom Ten fan(s), as age-old Bottom Ten stalwarts Duke and Vanderbilt anchor the first new survey of the Virus Era. Not even COVID could derail your Bottom Ten pollsters, back at it after last week’s announcement that every major division conference will, eventually, be playing football this year. And despite the fact some teams will only be playing a limited schedule – missing out on key non-conference blowouts, not to mention strength of schedule points for losing to other lousy teams – the race for the ESPNCup is already expected to be the closest in years.
Still, though, Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere know that everyone is marking time until the big boys from the MAC strap it on and start playing football next month.
This week’s mess:
1. Duke (0-4; lost to Virginia Tech 38-31)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 fan(s) everywhere ecstatic over return of B-10 Team of Decade for Double Aughts to their natural habitat, the B-10 medal stand…Duke defense recovers from slow start forcing punts and recovering fumble on first three (3) drives to allow 487 yards total offense…Offense chips in with six (6) three-and-outs, three (3) drives of negative yards.
Once And Future Bleu Devil: Duke 0-4 for first time since iconic 2006 squad started, finished season 0-12, claiming Bleu Devil’s last B-10 title.
Next Loss: at Syracuse
2. Vanderbilt (0-2; lost to LSU 41-7)
Mitigating Factors: Another B-10 stalwart reporting for duty on B-10 medal stand, Commodores off to strong start, already ranking Dead Last in Scoring Offense (9.5 ppg)…Commodores never in this one, recovering from disturbingly close loss in opener to turn in first blowout loss of 2020…Strong finishing kick sees Vanderbilt punt three (3) times, toss two (2) interceptions on five (5) second-half possessions.
FunFact: Commodores still hampered by turn-of-century combining of Student Affairs, Athletic departments as painting students draw up plays on canvases, resulting in NCAA record 740 delay of game penalty yards.
Next Loss: South Carolina
3. Kansas (0-3; lost to Oklahoma State 47-7)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks looking to rebound from consecutive three (3)-win seasons and return to form that won only B-10 title in 2015…Defense gets smiley faces on playbooks for consistency, allowing 295 yards rushing and 298 yards passing to Cowboys.
FunFact: With Division III Thiel College – losers of 27 straight – not playing in 2020 the Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is suspended for 2020, replaced with the COVID Cup – issued to Jayhawks whose seven (7)-game skid is longest amongst teams actually playing football.
Next Loss: at West Virginia (10/17)
4. Middle Tennessee (0-4; lost to Western Kentucky 20-17)
Mitigating Factors: “Let’s play football,” everyone at Middle Tennessee said, “It will be good for campus morale.”…Well, no it won’t, as Blue Raiders 0-4 for fourth time this century….Blue Raiders actually produce ten (10) unanswered in points in first half, before stemming tide and getting outscored 17-7 rest of way, as defense overcomes selfish offense that produced zero (0) turnovers.
Be All That You Can Be: Athletic department flush with cash now after receiving COVID relief funds for morale boost provided to future Army officers after loss to Cadets in opener.
Next Loss: at Florida International
5. South Carolina (0-2; lost to Florida 38-24)
Mitigating Factors: Gamecocks show cursory early interest with touchdown on opening drive, but come back strong for manageable 24-14 halftime deficit…Gamecocks earn weekly Rolex Time Management Award for hogging the ball for 35 minutes a game – third best in country – giving defense valuable rest before giving up another touchdown.
Broad Historical Context: Gamecock fan(s) hoping for strong B-10 run in 2020, as team has gone from nine (9) to seven (7) to four (4) wins last three (3) seasons.
Next Loss: at Vanderbilt
6. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: In pitched battle with Sun Belt Conference for B-10 Conference of the Week award – at least until the MAC kicks off…Takes weekly honors with lousy, though pretty standard 4-12 non-conference mark against major division opponents…C-USA pretty smug about overall chances, though, pointing out B-10 perennial Rice hasn’t even kicked off yet.
The New Material Budget Is Still Zero, I See: Despite usual lousy start, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” C-USA can rebound for strong .500 mark in conference play.
7. Louisiana-Monroe (0-4; lost to Georgia Southern 35-30)
Mitigating Factors: After losing first three (3) games by average score of 35.333333333-to-10, UL-M gives fan(s) scare with closest loss of season…Special teams earns game ball by allowing third-quarter touchdown off blocked punt…Warhawks another school getting federal funding as thank you following loss to current crop of Army officer candidates.
Fly In The Ointment: Only thing preventing return of hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person joint entry with UL-Lafayette is UL-Lafayette’s 3-0 start…Still, though, 11/28 matchup to be for Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football lousiness.
Next Loss: at Liberty
8. Navy (1-2; lost to Air Force 40-7)
Mitigating Factors: Midshipman heaving to for lousy start, setting tone not only for strong run for Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – but for B-10 medal stand run as well…Enthusiasm in 2020 amongst Brigade of Midshipmen reportedly low, as student body sending Filipino mess attendants to go to games for them.
FunFact: Midshipmen hampered by Navy Secretary’s preseason ruling – in order to prevent spread of both COVID and the clap – to wear both face masks and condoms during games.
Next Loss: Temple
9. East Carolina (0-2; lost to Georgia State 49-29)
Mitigating Factors: Pirates recover from disarray of defense producing interception return for touchdown on game’s first play to get outscored 28-0…97 penalty yards, 50 rushing yards gives Pirates admirable 1.94-to-1 penalty-yards-to-rushing-yards ratio…Pirates have momentum on their side, having lost eight (8) of last nine (9) dating back to 2019.
More New Material Budget Is Still Zero, I See: Pirates 0-2 start being blamed on coaching staff having to spend most of film sessions explaining why East Carolina isn’t a state like South Carlina, North Carolina, Dakotas are.
Next Loss: at South Florida
10. Charlotte (0-2; lost to Florida Atlantic 21-17)
Mitigating Factors: 49er fan(s) still hoping team recovers for 2019 Bahamas Bowl berth and regain magic that propelled Charlotte to #4 final ranking in 2017…Showing mettle that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, 49ers use Total Team Effort (TTE) to recover from 10-0 halftime lead, with defense giving up touchdowns on first three (3) second-half possessions, with offense contributing interception and special teams chipping in missed field goal.
FunFact: 49ers hoping canceled whipping against North Carolina doesn’t end up costing them strength of schedule points at end of season.
Next Loss: at North Texas
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: South Carolina at Vanderbilt
Up Next On ESPN725: Middle Tennessee at Florida International
Bottom Ten Alumni Association: Temple at Navy
More Bottom Ten Alumni Association: Charlotte at North Texas
