As Bottom Ten pollsters limber up for the return of real Bottom Ten columns, they are pleased to offer this really funny column from 2019.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Five (5) unvictoried teams, one ESPNCup.
Sure, the 2019 Bottom Ten title is Rice’s to lose – literally – but they still have the minefield that is Conference USA play remaining and should they stumble and win, there will be no shortage of teams ready to step in, as the deepest field in memory fumbles their in mortal combat for coveted spots on the Bottom Ten medal stand.
And as usually happens about this time, there is no shortage of one-win teams tossing their hat in tje ring for the Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
This week’s fiasco:
1. Rice (0-3; lost to Baylor 21-13)
Mitigating Factors: Owls remain on point for first B-10 title, showing resiliency that leads straight to B-10 glory with second sort-of-close loss of 2019…Though never in danger of actually winning this one, Owls never completely out of it, leading fan(s) to wonder if squad has what it takes in 2019…Owls defense clutch on third down, ranking Dead Last in 3rd Down Conversion Defense, giving up first downs 58.2% of the time.
On The Road Again: While current four (4)-game skid rather modest, current 13-game road losing streak nation’s best.
Next Loss: Louisiana Tech
2. New Mexico State (0-3; lost to New Mexico 55-52)
Mitigating Factors: Scoreboard baby…Aggie fan(s) ecstatic as team shows mettle that retains spots on B-10 medal stand with closest loss of 2019…Aggies off to sluggish start in this one, leading twice before finally settling in and giving up 21 unanswered points in second half…Defense ranks Next-To-Dead-Last in Scoring Defense, Total Defense, Turnover Margin…Offense stinking up joint, too, ranking 100th or worse in four official stat categories.
FunFact: With win over lousy interstate rival, Aggies earn first-ever Border Wall Plaque, which features football players trying to flee to Mexico, symbolic of New Mexican B-10 supremacy.
Next Loss: Fresno State
3. Akron (0-4; lost to Troy 35-7 )
Mitigating Factors: Zips so bad they lose to a guy named Troy, who was on campus to play in NCAA tennis regionals…Offense sets strong early tone, with two (2) punts, one (1) fumble, minus-three (-3) total yards on first three (3) drives…Zips displaying mastery of fundamentals early, only nine (9) inches away from averaging as many penalty yards per game (45.75) as rushing yards 46.0
FunFact: Zips with brutal remaining schedule in quest for first B-10 title, as future opponents have won only 35.5% of their games this year.
Next Loss: at UMess
4. UMess (0-4; lost to Coastal Carolina 62-28)
Mitigating Factors: UMess mostly in it for most of first quarter before saying “screw it” and getting outscored 55-21 the rest of the way…Minutemen rank Dead Last in Total Defense, Rushing Defense and Scoring Defense and are losing games by a combined score of 51.8-to-21.5…UMess also ranks Dead Last in Team Passing Efficiency Defense, though B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they don’t know what that is.
FunFact: With average crowd of under 10,000, home-field advantage expected to be key in Akron showdown as intimate gathering expected to lull Zips to sleep.
Next Loss: Akron
5. Vanderbilt (0-3; lost to LSU 66-38)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores back in familiar territory – the upper half of the B-10 survey – with first 0-3 start since 2006…While B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Vanderbilt should be able to cruise through easy SEC schedule, B-10 title chances will hinge on remaining non-conference games against MAC, other lower-level team, UNLV.
FunFact: Commodores continued to be hampered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as ROTC detachment calling defensive plays get “war games” and “football game” confused, drawing NCAA-record 2,345 penalty yards for Illegal Incoming Mortar Fire.
Next Loss: Northern Illinois
6. Ohio (1-3; lost to Louisiana-Lafayette 45-25)
Mitigating Factors: Though there are other one-win teams, Bobcats ride MAC bias into B-10 survey for first time in 2019…Complete inability to stop run key, as Bobcats rank 119th in Rushing Defense, 109th in Total Defense…B-10 staffers sending out welcome packet to AD, coaching staff, as Ohio looking for first losing season since 2008.
FunFact: With only win coming in opener against lower-level school, Bobcats in prime position to claim no worse than share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: at Buffalo
7. Bowling Green (1-3; lost to Kent State 62-20)
Mitigating Factors: Though there are other one-win teams, Falcons ride MAC bias into B-10 survey for first time in 2019…Complete inability to stop run key, as Falcons rank 113th in Rushing Defense, 115th in Total Defense…B-10 staffers sending out welcome packet to AD, coaching staff, as Bowling Green looking for first losing season since 2018.
You Didn’t Cut And Paste The Previous Entry, Did You?: With only win coming in opener against lower-level school, Falcons in prime position to claim no worse than share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: at Notre Dame (10/5)
8. Mid-American Conference
Mitigating Factors: Expectations predictably low for MAC, but no one expected them to be this bad, as 5-26 non-conference mark still worst in country by far…Second straight B-10 Conference of the Week selection means MAC remains in danger of making mockery of coveted Conference of the Year race – never particularly easy to do…Conference so strong in 2019 40% of Week 5 survey made of MAC teams or the conference itself.
FunFact: Though still early, MAC expected to hold onto .500 conference play mark for entire season.
9. Shorter (0-3; lost to Fort Valley State 30-23)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Hawks retain coveted Continental Cup – issued to school with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – with 42nd consecutive loss…Hawks get valuable experience blowing leads, efficiently turning early 7-0, 13-3 advantages into 23-13 halftime deficit…Hawks 5-52 since ascending D-II throne in 2014.
FunFact: Punt return squad putting ‘special’ in special teams, unable to even fall forward after catching punts, averaging 0.00000 yard(s)-per-return.
Next Loss: Valdosta State
10. Texas-San Antonio (1-3; lost to North Texas 45-3)
Mitigating Factors: Former B-10 stalwarts North Texas give blessing to UTSA’s 2019 B-10 run with type of shellacking that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory…Roadkills or Road Signs or whoever they are have gone from six (6) wins in 2017 to three (3) wins in 2018 and are looking for further improvement this year…B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” UTSA is either in C-USA or Sun Belt Conference…Or maybe the AFC South.
FunFact: UTSA another team that won opener against Pop Warner squad that can earn share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: at UTEP (10/5)
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Akron at UMess
A Few Eyes of Texas Are Upon You: Louisiana Tech at Rice
Up Next On ESPN17: Northern Illinois at Vanderbilt
MAC Thriller of the Week: Ohio at Buffalo
