The Bottom Ten is on the house this season.
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
As Bottom Ten staffers rush to complete paperwork for approval to expand survey to include all 32 teams, the race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is already being hailed as the tightest ever.
The cries of an east coast bias are starting to be heard, too, as the Chargers are the only team west of the Rockies that are ranked, though in a statement issued from their retreat in the Hamptons, Bottom Ten pollsters dismissed the allegations.
This week’s mess as the nags muddle their way up the backstretch:
1. Gotham City (0-10; NY Giants: lost to Dallas 37-14; NY Jets: lost to Arizona 30-10) – B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first time two New York football teams have been winless this late in season since New York Argyles and Staten Island Fairies were both 0-5 in 1977 New York Alternative Lifestyles Football League (NYALFL)…Next Loss: NY Giants: Washington; NY Jets: at Miami
2. Atlanta Falcons (0-5; lost to Carolina 23-16) – Falcons cave in to pressure from fans in “lose now” NFL to bring home first-ever B-10 title by firing coach who actually had nerve to take them to Super Bowl…Next Loss: at Minnesota
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4; lost to Houston 30-14) – Opening week win now looming large, as owner Ghengis Khan – still searching for first B-10 title – threatening beheadings if team isn’t topping B-10 survey “in, like, the next two weeks and stuff”…Next Loss: Detroit
4. Washington Whatevers (1-4; lost to LA Rams 30-10) – Washington fan(s) file official protest over losing B-10 medal stand spot despite dutifully blowing last week’s game…Offense in rare form with ten (10) punts and 38 rushing yards …Next Loss: at NY Giants
5. Los Angeles Chargers (1-4; lost to New Orleans 30-27 OT)) – Chargers blow 20-3 lead for type of morale-depleting overtime road loss that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory…Chargers head into bye week on head of steam and can make big B-10 splash with loss to Jaguars in two (2) weeks…Next Loss: Jacksonville (10/25)
6. Houston Texans (1-4; defeated Jacksonville 30-14) – Bad but bad enough Texans lose B-10 top spot following first win of season…Texans vow to learn from Jaguars, with extra practice on missing field goals and fumbling to be emphasized this week…Next Loss: at Tennessee
7. NFC East (4-15-1; lost to) – Stop us if you’ve heard this before: NFC East easy pick for weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to league’s worst division…..Really testing old NFL adage that on any given Sunday any team can beat any other team.
8. Detroit Lions (DNP) – Teams on bye week generally not ranked, however Lions included this week because B-10 pollsters wanted to trot out “ranked due to lousy week of practice” line even though they have no idea what kind of week of practice Lions had…Next Loss: at Jacksonville
9. NFL – Worst pro football ever being played right now as twelve (12) teams – one-third of league – has one (1) or zero (0) wins, the highest total this century through five weeks…The previous was eleven (11) in 2006 and 2004 and the average through Week 5 is eight (8).
10. Minnesota Vikings (1-4; lost to Seattle 27-26) – Vikings overcome early 13-0 lead though loss isn’t sealed until defense gives up touchdown with 15 seconds left in game…Vikings facing make-or-break stretch, with games against Falcons, Lions coming up…Next Loss: Atlanta
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Detroit at Jacksonville
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Washington at New York Giants
Can’t COVID Get This Game Cancelled?: Atlanta at Minnesota
