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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
After having both themselves and their bar tabs released from quarantine, the Bottom Ten pollsters are back, with the first survey of the season in what is already the deepest Bottom Ten field in recent memory as there are no less than two games this week featuring two 0-3 teams.
With half the league either winless or possessing a lone victory, the race for spots on the Bottom Ten medal stand and for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – promises to be the closest in ages with every false start, turnover and dropped pass sure to be important.
This week’s mess as the nags approach the backstretch:
1. Minnesota Vikings (0-3; lost to Tennessee 31-30) – Vikings team to beat, literally, in race for Dan Henning Trophy, as clutch Vikings blow fourth-quarter lead…Turnovers key, as Vikings gracious hosts with two (2) interceptions and a fumble…Current five (5)-game skid best in NFL…Next Loss: at Houston
2. Houston Texans (0-3; lost to Pittsburgh 28-21) – Efficient Texans show B-10 mettle, blowing two leads and allowing touchdown off only turnover…With 49 penalty yards and 29 rushing yards, Texans take weekly honors with 1.68-to-1 penalty-yards-to-rushing-yards ratio…Next Loss: Minnesota
3. Gotham City (0-6; New York Giants: lost to San Francisco 36-9; New York Jets: lost Indianapolis 36-7) – New York football fans send up bat signal as both alleged professional teams off to winless starts…With teams not meeting in 2020, race for Ed Koch Cup – symbolic of Big Apple football lousiness – could come down to which team ruins young quarterback fastest…Next Loss: New York Giants: at Los Angeles Rams; New York Jets: Denver (10/1)
4. Denver Broncos (0-3; lost to Tampa Bay 28-10) – Broncos never in this one, breaking out to strong 23-3 deficit before putting it on cruise control the rest of the way…Denver can make strong case for B-10 medal stand with statement loss to lousy Jets team in prime time Thursday night…Next Loss: at New York Jets, (10/1)
5. COVID-19 – Awarded Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – as fears over illness cancels exciting NFL preseason action as B-10 pollsters under contract with Jim Hanifan to produce winner every year…Illness joins Colin Kaepernick’s ‘fro as only non-human entity to win Jim Hanifan Medallion.
6. Atlanta Falcons (0-3; lost to Chicago 30-26) – After showing mastery of fundamentals by declining to recover onside kick against Cowboys, Falcons maintain momentum in strong come-from-ahead loss to Bears…Falcons show strong finishing kick with missed field goal, three punts, interception in final quarter…Next Loss: at Green Bay
7. Coronavirus – B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” timely, competent response would have kept COVID relatively in check and deaths to a fraction of what they are now…First global illness to be ranked in survey since black plague in 1300s.
8. NFC East (2-9-1) – With first-place teams each having one win and everyone else winless, NFC East takes first Pete Rozelle Award of 2020, issued NFL’s worst division….On B-10 radar as possible Hall of Fame nominee as NFC East on track to become first division ever to finish with two winless teams…Next Loss: Automatic NFL playoff berth, as champion is farmed out to Texas high school playoffs.
9. Washington Whatevers (1-2; lost to Cleveland 34-20) – Depth of 2020 B-10 field shown as Whatevers only victoried team in survey as current two (2)-game skid shows complete recovery from opening win…With Redskin logo gone from helmet, team considering putting play diagrams on helmets to so players know where to go…Next Loss: Baltimore
10. Tie Games (0-0-1) – Hey NFL, it’s the third decade of the 21st century, high schools have figured out how to avoid ties, why haven’t you???…Fortunately, gambling apps – which are gaining more and more influence – may soon demand every game has a winner to avoid complete collapse of world economy.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Minnesota at Texas
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Denver at New York Jets
