The Bottom Ten is free this season. Enjoy.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s the toughest race for the ESPNCup – symbolic of NCAA Bottom Ten supremacy – ever. Not one of the toughest, thee toughest.
Forget about losers competing for coveted Bottom Ten medal stand berths, there are 15 (15) winless teams in NCAA major division football and only ten (10) spots in any Bottom Ten survey. That’s why it’s called the Bottom Ten: there are only ten (10) spots.
Since a lot of the winless teams come from the MAC, it might not be the Upset of the Year that the MAC itself reigns supreme this week, knocking one of its members, Akron, from the #1 spot, at least for this week.
This week’s fiasco:
Editor’s Note: With most of the lower level schools not playing this year, the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is not being awarded this year.
1. MAC
Mitigating Factors: Conference not only easy pick for coveted Conference of the Week award, but there wasn’t even too much discussion about making them #1 as one-half of Week 14 survey either the conference or its teams…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” MAC first conference ever to hold B-10 top spot, as not even Sun Belt Conference in its heyday was ever this bad.
FunFact: Despite tough sledding, MAC managing to level up for solid .500 conference play mark.
2. Akron (0-4; lost to Miami, Ohio 38-7)
Mitigating Factors: Zips never in this one, easily retaining COVID Cup – issued to school with longest losing streak of teams actually playing games – with 21st straight loss…School so confident of repeat B-10 title, booster club reportedly forming steering committee to plan celebration for anticipated B-10 Team of Quarter-Century Award.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Akron ticket department – already one of the smallest departments on campus – easily able to handle COVID reduced crowd of zero as that is what they were expecting anyway.
Next Loss: Bowling Green
3. Vanderbilt (0-8; lost to Missouri 41-0)
Mitigating Factors: A B-10 legacy school, Commodores retain coveted, usual B-10 medal stand spot to prevent complete occupation by MAC…Usual, hilarious line about turn-of-century merging of Athletic, Student Affairs departments suspended for week as Commodores kicking game so ravaged by COVID they actually used chick soccer player for second-half kickoff…She would have been used more, but shutout loss ensured this was team’s only kickoff opportunity.
FunFact: Commodores sailing uncharted waters, as team 0-8 for first time ever.
Next Loss: at Georgia
4. New Mexico (0-5; lost to Utah State 41-27)
Mitigating Factors: Lobos best example of sheer depth of 2020 B-10 field as 14-game losing skid not even good enough for coveted B-10 medal stand berth…14-game skid best since 2010-11 squads mustered 13-game skid and Lobo fan(s) cautiously optimistic as team’s all-time best losing streak of 21 straight (1967-69) now bright light at end of tunnel.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters still not entirely sure what Team Passing Efficiency Defense is, but remain “pretty sure” Lobos not any good at it as they rank Next-To-Dead-Last at it (179.16).
Next Loss: Wyoming
5. Kansas (0-8; lost to TCU 59-23)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks back on B-10 patented TitleTrak Radar after two (2)-week COVID-mandated break…Jayhawks getting it done on both sides of the ball, ranking Dead Last Scoring Defense and not a whole lot better in Scoring Offense, losing games in 2020 by average score of 49.8-to-16.1.
FunFact: With a B-10 title and two (2) Tostitos Plaques – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – to their credit, Jayhawks another team looking to establish B-10 Team of the Quarter-Century credentials this year.
Next Loss: at Texas Tech
6. UMess (0-4; lost to Liberty 45-0)
Mitigating Factors: UMess making lemonade out of lemon that was 2020 season with first winless major division season since iconic 1882 squad finished 0-3…UMess never in this one, of course, and both teams so tired nobody actually scored in fourth quarter….With only three (3) three (3)-and-outs, UMess offense taken out behind Old North Church for postgame beating for making defense work so hard to give up 45-points.
FunFact: Minutemen end season a statistical juggernaut, ranking Dead Last or Next-to-Dead-Last in no less than five (5) official NCAA stat categories, including unimportant ones like Total Offense and Scoring Offense.
Next Loss: Season over.
7. UL-Monroe (0-9; lost to UL-Lafayette 70-20)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to arch-rival – and former partner in hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person entry – ensures Warhawks keep Billy Cannon Certificate – symbolic of Cajun football lousiness…Former occupant of B-10 medal stand in 2020, Warhawks can only wonder what might have been as two (2) and three (3)-week COVID breaks, unprecedented MAC ineptitude, negate 0-9 record, ten (10)-game losing skid.
Broad Historical Context: 0-9 for first time ever, UL-Monroe just two (2) losses away from first unvictoried season ever.
Next Loss: at Arkansas State
8. Eastern Michigan (0-4; lost to Central Michigan 31-23)
Mitigating Factors: Showing strong finishing kick that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, Eagles snatch defeat from jaws of victory by getting outscored 25-0 in fourth quarter…Offense getting smiley faces on playbook with four (4) second-half turnovers, three (3) of them on final three (3) drives.
FunFact: With possible, coveted B-10 medal stand berth at stake, Eagles must not get caught looking ahead this week to showdown with Northern Illinois in finale on 12/12.
Next Loss: Western Michigan
9. Bowling Green (0-4; lost to Ohio 52-10)
Mitigating Factors: Falcons don’t even bother with cursory, early interest in this one, breaking out to deficits of 7-0, 14-0, 21-3, 28-10, well, you get the idea, as loss secured by halftime, trailing 45-10…Defense calls off the dogs in second half, only allowing seven (7) points.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” their treasured, patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar will probably short out this week as Falcons faced with biggest game ever in showdown vs Akron
Next Loss: at Akron
10. Northern Illinois (0-4; lost to Western Michigan 30-27)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies show mettle that usually straight to B-10 glory, turning 27-20 fourth-quarter deficit into another B-10 resume-padding loss…Another MAC team that can’t get caught looking ahead, Huskies really bearing down as loss this week equally important as loss in showdown with Eastern Michigan in finale.
FunFact: Official athletic department website so thrilled with team’s 2020 B-10 run it’s homepage is leading with preview of big guy hoops game against dreaded Southern Illinois-Edwardsville later this week.
Next Loss: Toledo
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Bowling Green at Akron
More MAC Thriller(s) of the Week: Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan, Toledo at Northern Illinois
Up Next On ESPN7,238: UL-Monroe at Arkansas State
