The Bottom Ten/Preseason Q&A
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Here we go again. Summer is winding down, the first leaves are starting to turn, and the air is filled with the prospect of the first fumbles, false starts, and all-around ineptitude the 2024 race for Bottom Ten glory is certain to provide. Your Bottom Ten pollsters are “pretty sure” the races for top Bottom Ten hardware will be the closest in recent memory.
For the love of Woody Hayes, UCLA/Rutgers is a conference game now. How will the latest round of conference realignment affect the race for the ESPNCup, symbolic of NCAA football louisness?
Not very much, frankly. As long as each game produces a winner and a loser there will 1) be teams that lose (a lot) more than other teams, and 2) the Bottom Ten will be there to chronicle them. And Bottom Ten pollsters – like B-10 fans everywhere – are still waiting for the B-10 power conferences – MAC, Sun Belt, Mountain West – to form the long-awaited B-10 super conference.
The service academies are always fun to pick on. Which ones are looking particularly bad this year?
Navy has three-peated the Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – and it’s full steam ahead for four in a row what with a new Navy secretary rule requiring Midshipmen not to tackle anyone until they see the whites of their eyes.
College football begins Saturday. Are there any intriguing matchups?
Of course there are. Nevada, which finished a strong fifth last year, opens with a very losable game at home against SMU, while New Mexico – never completely out of the B-10 picture – opens against lower-level Montana State, an excellent opportunity to get off to a strong start. Plus, you never know when a team will come out of nowhere to produce a lousy opener and land squarely on our patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar.
Will the usual Bottom Ten hardware be awarded this year?
Bottom Ten pollsters are pleased to report that all your favorite(s) will be back in 2024. To wit:
ESPNCup
Issued annually to NCAA Bottom Ten champion. Used to be known as Walmart Cup presented by Motel 6.
The Dan Henning Trophy
Issued annually to NFL Bottom Ten champion.
The Tostitos Plaque
Issued to NCAA team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
The Continental Cup
Issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence
The Sgt Bilko Trophy
Symbolic of service academy lousiness. Retained by previous year’s recipient in case of a tie.
The Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion
Symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude. Usually issued to team, but once issued to Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Fro.
The Pete Rozelle Award
Issued weekly and annually to NFL’s worst division. Can be subdivided into Ray Malavasi Medallion (NFC) and Marv Levy Broach (AFC) at need for conference awards.
Conference of the Week/Conference of the Year
Otherwise unnamed award – at least until renamed for Sun Belt Conference – issued to worst major division college conference. B-10 pollsters considering separate Power 5/Group of 5 awards, though hampered by fact column is Bottom Ten and not Bottom Eleven.
Billy Cannon Certificate
Issued to the worst team in the hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person (UL-Monroe/UL-Lafayette) entry, it is symbolic of Cajun football lousiness.
Q: Which of your tired, old lines will you be trotting out this year?
Your B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” all the usual cliches will be trotted out left and right in 2024. Vanderbilt will continue to smart from their turn-of-century merging of Athletic and Student Affairs departments, and B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” assorted pregame department secretary rulings will hamper the service academies, and it is expected our Conference of the Week laureates will level up for strong .500 marks in conference play.
B-10 TitleTrak Radar predicts it will be steady as she goes.
Winning consecutive Dan Henning Trophys – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is the hardest feat in sports. Does Carolina have a shot?
They better. Because the Bottom Ten pollsters put as little work as possible into each and every ranking, the defending champion is, by default, the odds-on favorite for next season.
Will Don Criqui be back for the “This Is Don Criqui Reporting” lead line, which heralds the NFL’s second-lousiest matchup of the week?
Of course he will. Far from ridicule, Criqui’s name-drop is a homage to one of the very best announcers to ever ply the trade and the best TWA spokesman ever.
Editor’s Note: The NCAA Bottom Ten moves on Tuesdays, the NFL Bottom Ten on Wednesdays. The first two or three weeks will be on the house, then you’ll have to get out your Visa cards.
