The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 3
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
And they’re off!
The horse race leading to the greatest prize in sports – The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten excellence – begins with shipping labels addressed to Carolina already being printed as the defending champion Panthers get off to a start that has “title defense” written all over it.
Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are thanking their lucky stars as there are no less than three (3) big early season matchups this week, including a game featuring two (2) of this week’s three (3) medal stand teams, plus two (2) games featuring perennial AFC South stalwarts.
This week’s mess, as the nags limp out of the starting gate:
1. Carolina Panthers (0-1; lost to New Orleans 47-10) – Panthers already in mid-season form, opening B-10 title defense with classic blowout road loss…Down 30-0 before anyone needs a deodorant, Panthers finish with 58 yards rushing and three (3) turnovers…Next Loss: Los Angeles Chargers
2. Washington Commanders (0-1; lost to Tampa Bay 37-20) – Current nine (9)-game skid best in NFL, as Commanders face first “must-lose” game of 2024 this week against Giants…Next Loss: New York Giants
3. New York Giants (0-1; lost to Minnesota 28-6) – Giants able to squash momentum from 2023’s season-ending win with tried-and-true B-10 stalwarts three (3)-and-outs, turnovers, porous defense…Giants face first “must-lose” game of 2024 this week against Commanders…Next Loss: at Washington
4. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1; lost to New England 16-10) – Bengals once again looking to shed Worst Team Never To Win B-10 title moniker…With easy loss this week, Bengals cannot get caught looking ahead to following week showdown with Washington…Next Loss: at Kansas City
5. Cleveland Browns (0-1; lost to Dallas 33-17) – With big opening loss and with next four (4) opponents combined 0-4, Browns in position to establish strong early-season B-10 credentials…Next Loss: at Jacksonville
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1; lost to Miamia 20-17) – Owner Genghis Khan satisfied with Week 1 loss, but still takes coaching staff families hostage to guard against early-season win streak…Next Loss: Cleveland
7. AFC South (0-3) – Not the only division with three (3) winless teams – hi there AFC North! – but earns 2024’s inaugural Pete Rozelle Award – issued to NFLS’s worst division – more or less out of habit.
8. New York Jets (0-1; lost to San Francisco 32-19) – Jets show race with Giants for Ed Koch Cup – symbolic of Gotham football lousiness – likely to be dog fight, showing that while it’s hard to cross the country and win in the NFL, it usually isn’t this hard…Next Loss: at Tennessee
9. Indianapolis Colts (0-1; lost to Houston 29-27) – Big divisional home loss expected to set strong tone for 2024, as team able to overcome early lead, offense producing two (2) fourth-quarter touchdowns…Next Loss: at Green Bay
10. NFL – B-10 pollsters debate whether or not to trot out annual, reasonably funny line about league tying all-time opening week record with 16 (16) winless teams after first week, ultimately decide no, they are not better than that.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New York Giants at Washington
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cleveland at Jacksonville
This One’s Going To Blow, Too: New York Jets at Tennessee
