The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 3
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
It’s a tradition as old as The Bottom Ten itself: the early-season upset that propels a college football blue blood straight to the top of the chase for the ESPNCup – symbolic of collegiate Bottom Ten superiority.
Welcome (back) Notre Dame.
In other news, the Bottom Ten field appears to be the strongest in recent memory, with no less than 17 0-2 teams, with your Bottom Ten pollster’s bar tabs working overtime this week finalizing this week’s survey.
This week’s mess:
1. Notre Dame (0-1; lost to Northern Illinois 16-14)
Mitigating Factors: Irish grab first B-10 medal stand berth since 2007 squad started 0-5 and earned Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with losses to both Navy and Air Force…Despite winning opener, Irish earn coveted B-10 top spot thanks to strength of schedule points for losing to MAC team.
FunFact: Irish getting it done in all phases, ranking 100th or worse in, among other things, Total Offense, Rushing Defense and Punt Returns.
Next Loss: at Purdue
2. Kent State (0-2; lost to St Francis 23-17)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions show all systems go for repeat with nation’s best 12th straight loss…Mental aspects cannot be underestimated as loss to lower level team sure to provide big morale boost as annual minefield of MAC play looms.
FunFact: Classic by-the-numbers B-10 run can continue with loss to leading national brand school this week.
Next Loss: at Tennessee
3. Florida Atlantic (0-2; lost to Army 24-7)
Mitigating Factors: Owls back on coveted B-10 medal stand for first time in what B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” is “like a really long time, and stuff”, as current six (6)-game losing skid second-best in country…Owls already a statistical juggernaut, ranking 130th or worse in Total Offense, Scoring Offense, and Rushing Defense.
FunFact: Early-century B-10 stalwarts, Owls are 0-2 for first time this decade and are enjoying first six (6)-game skid since 2016.
Next Loss: Florida International
4. UMess (0-2; lost to Toledo 38-23)
Mitigating Factors: Though four (4)-straight losses not a lot by B-10, UMess standards, Minutemen still good enough for spot in B-10 survey, if not B-10 medal stand…Strong start on offense sets pace, with three (3)-and-outs on first four (4) possessions as stalwart defense produced no turnovers for offense to not score off of anyway.
FunFact: With UConn scheduled for finale and off to 1-1 start, Minutemen must be considered favorites to earn John Adams Spitoon – symbolic of Yankee college football ineptitude.
Next Loss: at Buffalo
5. Charlotte (0-2; lost to North Carolina 38-20)
Mitigating Factors: Sort of regular B-10 participants in recent years, 49ers making first B-10 appearance of 2024 following fifth straight loss…With games against iconic B-10 teams like Indiana, Rice, and Navy coming up, team has excellent opportunity to establish strong B-10 historical street cred in 2024.
FunFact: 49ers can set themselves squarely on B-10’s patented TitleTrak Radar with loss to lower-level school this week.
Next Loss: Gardner-Webb
6. Temple (0-2; lost to Navy 38-11)
Mitigating Factors: Opening week loss to Oklahoma hardly a bulletin, but shellacking by latest crop of naval officer candidates has Owls squarely on B-10’s patented TitleTrak Radar…Utter inability run ball, prevent others from doing same key so far, with Temple ranking 130th in Rushing Offense, 128th in Rushing Defense.
FunFact: After three (3) consecutive, ho-hum 3-9 seasons, Owls looking to revert to early Double Aughts form that saw them lose 51 of 55, get kicked out of Big East.
Next Loss: Coastal Carolina
7. American Athletic Conference
Mitigating Factors: With three (3) teams riding losing skids of at least five (5) games, AAC already poised as next B-10 superconference, earning first coveted B-10 Conference of the Week honors of 2024.
The Fresh Material Budget Remains $0.00, We See: Despite struggles, conference ADs “fairly confident” schools can level up for strong .500 mark in conference play.
8. Lincoln (0-1; lost 46-5 to Quincy)
Mitigating Factors: With Fort Lewis (41 straight losses) off, D-II college from Missouri earns Interim Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – with 40th straight loss…Last win came on 10/19/19, a 27-9 pasting of Northeastern State.
Getting To Know You: Though Blue Tigers making B-10 debut this week, squad already making big push for B-10 Lower Level Team of the Quarter Century honors, having lost 87 of 94 since 2014.
Next Loss: McKendree
9. Akron (0-2; lost to Rutgers 49-17)
Mitigating Factors: Total Team Effort not only has Zips losing five (5) straight, but already losing by average score of 50.5-to-11.5 in 2024…Nov. 19 matchup vs Kent State already being hailed as latest B-10 Game of the Century, with Get Tickets links on both schools websites already least-clicked links on internet.
FunFact: With Kent State already enjoying loss in hand to lower-level school, this week’s game being considered a “must lose” contest by B-10 fan(s) everywhere…
Next Loss: Colgate
10. Duke (2-0; defeated Northwestern 26-20 2OT)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 Team of the Decade for Double Aughts, Bleu Devils denied courtesy Week 1 ranking mandated by B-10 bylaws, coming back strong with courtesy Week 3 ranking despite win in B-10 Heritage Game…B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Duke first B-10 Team of the Decade to be ranked individually and as part of hilarious joint entry (Trilateral Commission with Vanderbilt and Rice) since Tijuana Tech was part of hilarious Border Patrol joint entry in 1950s.
FunFact: Despite strong start, Les Diables Bleu can contend for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: UConn
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UMess at Buffalo
Bottom Ten Heritage Game of the Week: UMess at Buffalo
UMess Thriller of the Week: UMess at Buffalo
