The Bottom Ten is free this week, but that will change next week.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 3
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
It’s the oldest of Bottom Ten mantras: next loser up.
With Northwestern sending regrets for defense of their 2022 Bottom Ten title by winning, it’s Nebraska taking the top spot in race for the ESPNCup – symbolic of NCAA Bottom Ten supremacy – with a spirited, turnover-filled loss to Colorado.
Elsewhere, Fort Lewis dodged a bullet in their quest for keeping the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – keeping their streak alive with a loss to an NAIA school.
This week’s mess:
1. Nebraska (0-2; lost to Colorado 36-14)
Mitigating Factors: New head coach with lose-now-or-else mandate continues to impress with second straight inspired loss…Offense showing way to B-10 glory in 2023, ranking 120th or worse in three (3) categories, including 126th in Scoring Offense (12.0 ppg) while Total Team Effort (TTE) sees Huskers ranking Dead Last in Turnover Margin (-3.00).
FunFact: Huskers face dangerously winnable games the next two (2) weeks before diving into usual Big-18 conference drubbings.
Next Loss: Northern Illinois
2. Nevada (0-2; lost Idaho 33-6)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to lower level team has Wolf Pack in coveted B-10 runner-up spot, poised for #1 should Nebraska actually win…B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Nevada first school “like, dude, basically ever” to rank 130th or worse in at least three (3) official NCAA stat categories, including Dead Last in Team Passing Efficiency Defense, which B-10 pollsters will never figure out the meaning of.
FunFact: Current twelve (12)-game skid not only best in nation, but best in school history as well.
Next Loss: Kansas
3. Fort Lewis (0-2; lost to Arizona Christian 49-25)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Skyhawks retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 40th consecutive loss…It’s rare when lower level team earns coveted B-10 medal stand spot, however B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” there’s a bylaw somewhere that mandates medal stand selection when losing streak extended with loss to NAIA school located in desert.
FunFact: Skyhawks gathering collective breath this week as 40 straight losses only halfway home to all NCAA all-division record of 80 (Prairie View A&M, 1989-98)
Next Loss: New Mexico Highlands
4. UTEP (1-2; lost to Northwestern 38-7)
Mitigating Factors: Despite earlier win, Miners granted cutsies to spot right below B-10 medal stand following strong road loss to defending B-10 champions…Miners show cursory early interest with 7-0 lead before offense turns on afterburners and punts, turns the ball over, or misses field goals the rest of the way.
FunFact: There’s no rest for the weary, as Miners have three (3) more B-10 Legacy Games (Florida International, New Mexico State, Western Kentucky) still to come in 2023.
Next Loss: at Arizona
5. Ball State (0-2; lost to Georgia 45-3)
Mitigating Factors: With conference realignment all the rage, Falcon fan(s) secure in knowledge SEC invites won’t be forthcoming following blowout losses to Kentucky, Georgia…Falcons never in this one, breaking out to deficits of 7-0, 14-0, 21-0, 28-0 and, well, you get the idea…Only points came against 5th string defenders who, using official school betting partners, took the “no shutout” prop bet.
FunFact: Falcons have lost five (5) straight, best in always-tough MAC.
Next Loss: Indiana State
6. UMess (1-2; lost to Miami, Ohio 41-28)
Mitigating Factors: Minutement back in B-10 high life, with consecutive losses putting them in prime position for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – should, when, they lose out…Strong finishing kick sees Minutemen punt, turn ball over on last three (3) possessions, while defense chips in two (2) late touchdowns.
FunFact: 11/25 season-ender vs. UConn expected to be for John Adams Spitton – symbolic of Yankee football lousiness.
Next Loss: at Eastern Michigan
7. UConn (0-2; lost to Georgia State 35-14)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies have brutal remaining schedule, with games against B-10 stalwarts Florida International, Duke, Rice, UMess all coming up…Football team so popular, website visitors must scroll past stories on chick tennis and field hockey and guy golf before getting to a football story with countdown clock to the start of women’s basketball practice scheduled to go up next week.
FunFact: 11/25 season-ender vs. UMess expected to be for John Adams Spitton – symbolic of Yankee football lousiness.
Next Loss: Florida International
8. Big School’s Non-Conference Schedule
Mitigating Factors: B-10 fan(s) everywhere accustomed to name schools fattening up on cupcakes, but there appear to be more than ever in 2023 as patsies such as Delaware, Austin Peay, Nebraska, et al, all losing to name schools this week.
FunFact: There isn’t a FunFact associated with this entry…B-10 pollsters thought the “Delaware, Austin Peay, Nebraska” line was pretty good and didn’t want to see it go to waste.
9. MAC
Mitigating Factors: With 3-13 non-conference record – a total that does NOT include two (2) losses to lower-level teams – MAC easy choice for coveted Conference of the Week Award, barely beating out Mountain West Conference’s 4-12 mark
FunFact: Despite non-conference troubles, MAC insiders privately confiding to each other they expect teams to rebound for strong .500 mark in conference play.
10. Baylor (0-2; lost to Utah 20-13)
Mitigating Factors: Baylor explodes on B-10 seen as current, hot six (6)-game skid second-best in nation…In what could be tightest B-10 race in a generation, Bears need loss to lower-level team this week to stay on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar….Bears hardly a statistical juggernaut, only ranking 100th or worse in seven (7) official NCAA stat categories.
FunFact: Bears finished on B-10 medal stand in 2017, so B-10 staffers merely sent coaching staff B-10 refresher fax instead of full-blown Welcome Aboard packet.
Next Loss: Long Island University
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UTEP at Arizona
Good Seats Still Available: Entire MAC schedule
