The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 2
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Longtime Bottom Ten fan(s) know the major upsets that hilariously send a traditional national power to immediate Bottom Ten glory have subsided in recent years. It’s back this week, however, as Clemson claims their first ever Bottom Ten top spot with a Loss for the Ages against Bottom Ten Legacy Team Duke. The concern, of course, is that this might prevent defending champion Northwestern from running the table in 2023.
And with your Bottom Ten pollsters deadlocked in the race for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week honors between the Big Ten and the always-tough MAC, the award will return next week.
This week’s mess:
1. Clemson (0-1; lost to Duke – Duke! – 28-7)
Mitigating Factors: Patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar short-circuiting like never before following Tigers’ huge road loss to B-10 Team of the Decade for Double Aughts…Tigers show cursory early interest by overcoming 6-0 deficit, but strong finishing kick has offense turning ball over three (3) times in second half while defense chips in by allowing two (2) touchdowns of greater than 30 (30) yards.
FunFact: Game against lower-level team this week takes on more significance than originally planned as Tigers look for first B-10 run since 1998 squad went 3-8.
Next Loss: Charleston Southern
2. Northwestern (0-1; lost to Rutgers 24-7)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champion Wildcats desperately trying to earn coveted B-10 Team of the Ages designation and become first team to win consecutive B-10 titles in different centuries…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Northwestern first defending B-10 champion “like, you know, ever” to lose opener to team that played in first-ever college football game in 1869.
This Week’s Game of the Century: With B-10 perennial on tap this week Wildcats can’t get caught looking ahead to, well, Wildcats actually have nothing to look ahead to this season.
Next Loss: UTEP
3. Nebraska (0-1; lost to Minnesota 13-10)
Mitigating Factors: New, big-name head coach with marching orders to deliver B-10 glory already paying dividends, with clutch loss on last-second field goal type of win that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory…With another 0-1 start, Nebraska on early-season B-10 medal stand for second straight year
FunFact: Huskers have six (6) straight losing seasons and chasing all-time school mark of nine (9), done by iconic 1938-49 squads.
Next Loss: at Colorado
3A. Nevada (0-1; lost to USC 66-14)
Mitigating Factors: Wolf Pack back in rarefied air of B-10 medal stand with eleventh straight loss, second-best in nation…Defense setting strong, early tone, already ranking Dead Last in Scoring Defense and Pass Efficiency Defense, with B-10 pollsters still not entirely sure what Pass Efficiency Defense is…Loss to lower-level team this week could poise Nevada for B-10 run should others somehow manage to win a game or two.
FunFact: Wolf Pack rather new to wonders of B-10 glory, looking for second consecutive losing season after five (5) straight winning ones.
Next Loss: Idaho
4. South Florida (0-1; lost to Western Kentucky 41-24)
Mitigating Factors: Bulls already in mid-season form, blowing two (2) leads and turning ball over three (3) times…Eleven (11)-game losing skid tied for second best in country, while 16 losses in last 17 games earning golf claps from B-10 pollsters, too…Mastery of fundamentals key for Bulls, as eleven (11) penalties already third-most in country.
FunFact: Bulls can construct classic B-10 run with losses to lower-level school, national power, B-10 perennial, and service academy in coming weeks.
Next Loss: Florida A&M
5. New Mexico (0-1; lost to Texas A&M 52-10)
Mitigating Factors: Lobos never in this one, giving up touchdowns on first five (5) possessions and punting or turning ball over – it varied – on five (5) of first six (6) possessions…With crowd of 95,000+ on hand, official athletic department betting partners taking action as to whether or not Lobo’s total home attendance in 2023 will top that figure…Ten (10) straight losses 4th-best in nation.
The Ls Have It: Aggies looking to lose at least five (5) consecutive games in a season for seventh straight year.
Next Loss: Tennessee Tech
6. UMess (1-1; lost to Auburn 59-14)
Mitigating Factors: While not getting attention-grabbing shutout, Minutemen back on periphery of B-10’s TitleTrak Radar with dutiful blowout loss…After somehow scoring touchdown on first possession, offense turns game over to defense, who gives up 45 unanswered points…At 1-1, UMess not 0-2 against major division foes for first time since beginning football in 1882 when gas was, well, there wasn’t gas in 1882 because there weren’t any cars.
FunFact: With NIL money scarce, athletic department staffers hoping to at least have some Dunkin Donuts coupons to give to skill position player(s).
Next Loss: Miami, Ohio
7. Ball State (0-1; lost to Kentucky 44-14)
Mitigating Factors: Mandatory MAC entry, Falcons earn Week 1 Holy Trinity Award for allowing Kentucky touchdowns on defense, offense, and special teams…Running game takes “don’t blame us” attitude with four (4) runners breaking magical double-digit rushing yard mark.
FunFact: With loss to defending national champion this week, Falcons should be demoralized enough for strong 0-4 start before starting minefield that is MAC play at end of month.
Next Loss: at Georgia
8. Fort Lewis (0-1; lost to William Jewell 42-6)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Skyhawks retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 29th consecutive loss…Defense breaks open close game by giving up 35 unanswered points while offense tosses three (3) interceptions resulting in zero (0) opponent points, not that it really mattered…Skyhawks last win came in 2019, 28-9 over Adams State.
FunFact: Should Skyhawks – somehow – falter and win, fellow D-IIers Lincoln University in Missouri – another Historically Lousy College – is waiting in the wings with a 27-game losing streak.
Next Loss: at Arizona Christian
9. Army (0-1; lost to Louisiana-Monroe 17-13)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion showing strong early interest in Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with loss to one-half of B-10’s hilarious, occasional, Louisiana-Famous Dead Person entry…Army hindered by pregame Defense Secretary ruling requiring squad to treat stadium like battlefield, with mess tent set up at midfield and latrines dug on sidelines, resulting in UL-Monroe sending government bill for reparations.
FunFact: While Sgt Bilko Trophy dependent on results against Air Force, Navy, overall B-10 finish could be dependent on loss this week to lower-level team, 10/28 game vs. UMess.
Next Loss: Delaware State
10. Rice (0-1; lost to Texas 37-10)
Mitigating Factors: President Kennedy once asked why does Rice play Texas, with B-10 fan(s) everywhere still searching for the answer following Longhorns’ 15th consecutive win over Owls since 1995…Rice 0-1 for 17th time this century…Rice overcomes early 3-0 lead with offense snoozing until 4th quarter when they score defense against 5th-string defense looking to impress frumpy fifth-string cheerleaders who had taken over yell duties.
FunFact: A B-10 perennial, Owls looking to shed “worst team to never win B-10 title” moniker in 2023.
Next Loss: Houston
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UTEP at Northwestern
Good Seats Still Available: Miami, Ohio at UMess
