The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Even though only a handful of games have been played, Bottom Ten pollsters are already tackling the tough questions: Can Northwestern repeat and become the first team to repeat as Bottom Ten champions twice? Can this week’s #1, New Mexico State, run the table? Will a team not ranked this week come out of nowhere to claim their share of B-10 glory?
Also, last week it was announced the FOX Golden Checkbook had replaced the ESPNCup as the title hardware issued to the NCAA Bottom Ten champion. That has proven to be unworkable, and Bottom Ten pollsters are somewhat pleased to announce the return of the ESPNCup.
This week’s mess:
1. New Mexico State (0-1; lost to UMess 41-30)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to 2022 B-10 medal stand laureate puts Aggies dead center on B-10’s patented TitleTrak Radar, not that they’re ever too far away from it…Aggies start campaign 0-1 for seventh straight season, eighth of last 14, and, well, you get the idea.
FunFact: Aggies can become team to beat, literally, for B-10 title with loss to lower level team this week.
Next Loss: Illinois State
2. UTEP (0-1; lost to Jacksonville State 17-14)
Mitigating Factors: UTEP storms onto B-10 medal stand with loss to Gamecock squad playing first game as major-division school…Total Team Effort (TTE) sees Miners lose despite outgaining opponents 364 yards to 275 and out first-dowining them 22-15…UTEP looking to make biggest B-10 splash since 2019 squad finished 1-11, ending season with coveted spot on B-10 medal stand.
FunFact: With must-lose game vs lower level team this week, Miners cannot get caught looking ahead to B-10 showdown at Northwestern on 9/9.
Next Loss: Incarnate Word
3. Northwestern (1-11; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 Team of the Century for 1900s, Wildcats see no reason to rest on their laurel(s) in 2023, aiming for another B-10 title and Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they’d prefer more returning starters for Wildcats, but there was such a lack of depth in 2022 and the holes should be easy enough to fill.
FunFact: With only 2022 win coming in Ireland, Wildcats have lost nation’s best 18-straight on American soil.
Opening Loss: at Rutgers
4. UMess (1-0; defeated New Mexico State 41-30)
Mitigating Factors: Quest for second B-10 title stalls before Labor Day, as Minutemen win opener against major-division opponent for first time since defeating Holy Cross in 1901…Offense stumbles in second half, scoring on four (4) of five (5) possessions…Pasting against Auburn this week should go long way toward reestablishing flaws on both sides of the ball as well as having devastating effect on morale.
FunFact: While B-10 title not completely out of question, most realistic hope for UMess is to lose out and claim Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: at Auburn
5. Vanderbilt (1-0; defeated Hawaii 35-28)
Mitigating Factors: A B-10 Legacy Team, Commodores ranked both out of habit and in anticipation of strong 2023 B-10 run…Commodores still struggling from turn-of-century decision to combine Athletic, Student Affairs departments, with Divinity School students replacing playbooks with catechisms to teach players to fear and love God and not jump offsides.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” that Commodores can overcome Week 1 win, as team historically strong finishers, though Commodores confused everybody in 2022 by winning two (2) of last three (3) games for only fifth time this century.
Opening Loss: Alabama A&M
6. Finlandia (Rest In Peace)
Mitigating Factors: After taking home Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – Board of Trustees so embarrassed they shut entire school down, citing costs of maintaining B-10 level program…B-10 fan(s) everywhere – well, in most places, at least – rending garments as Lions could’ve tied all-time Division III record of 50 consecutive losses by running table in 2023.
FunFact: Lions second reigning Continental Cup holder this century to drop football, joining Earlham, losers of 50 straight, in 2018.
7. Fort Lewis (0-10)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Skyhawks, located in Durango, Colorado preparing to receive emergency drop-shipment of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – as current 28-game skid longest in country.
FunFact: B-10 staffers preparing petition to Tri-Lateral Commission seeking sanctions against Canada, as they haven’t produced Continental Cup laurette since Toronto broke seven (7)-year losing streak in 2008.
Next Loss: at William Jewell College (9/2)
8. Duke (9-4; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 Team of Decade of Double Aughts not expected to compete for top B-10 honors in 2023, but entitled to preseason courtesy ranking…After closing 2021 strong with eight (8) straight losses, B-10 old-timer(s) everywhere were hoping for big things last season, but Bleu Devils sunk to 9-4 mark, which included win in sacred Military Bowl.
FunFact: Duke remains only team this century with two (2) 20 (20) game losing streaks.
Opening (Big) Loss: Clemson (9/4)
9. Pac-12
Mitigating Factors: Master class in How To Dismantle A Major Collegiate Athletic Conference Through Lack Action, Foresight, to begin soon, as once-proud conference enters its final season before eight (8) teams desert for greener pastures.
Conference of Deserters: Future isn’t all bad if Stanford and Cal stop trying to join conferences headquartered on prime meridian, with enough Apple money and decent schools on West Coast to rebuild into a workable conference.
Next Loss: Pac-12 actually pretty strong this year, though B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” conference will produce no better than a .500 mark in conference play.
10. Navy (0-1; lost to Notre Dame 42-3, at Dublin, Ireland)
Mitigating Factors: Opening blowout loss shows it’s full steam ahead for Midshipmen, who are seeking their third straight Sgt Bilko trophy – symbolic of service academy louisness…Navy expected to be hampered by preseason Navy secretary ruling that players – to better simulate life at sea – must call audibles using phonetic alphabet.
All Hands On Deck: In order to offset home-field advantage by playing Fighting Irish in Ireland, 2024 matchup scheduled to be played in reactor compartment of USS Ronald Reagan.
Next Loss: Wagner
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Northwestern at Rutgers
Old Fashioned Thumpin’ of the Week: UMess at Auburn
