The Bottom Ten/Preseason Q&A
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
The Preseason Q&A started humbly enough, as desperate filler material when the colleges began playing games a week earlier than usual. Now, of course, it’s an American classic. Or soon will be; Bottom Ten pollsters still aren’t entirely certain yet.
The Bottom Ten begins in earnest next week, with the Week 1 college and NFL surveys. The first two or three will be on the house, then you will be expected to get your your credit cards and subscribe.
Q: Can Florida International become the first team ever to win three consecutive Bottom Ten titles?
A: Odds are no. No team has ever three-peated, the Bottom Ten waters are simply to hazardous to run aground on for three straight years. Longtime Bottom Ten fan(s), however, know of Florida International’s long, rich Bottom Ten history and know you count them out any Bottom Ten conversation at your peril.
Q: Will the MAC, Conference USA, and Sun Belt Conference merge and create a Bottom Ten Super Conference?
A: We here the same rumors you do, and who knows? While you can never dismiss the possibility a UNLV or Vanderbilt bolting to Conference USA or the Sun Belt simply for the B-10 strength of schedule points, a wholesale merger into one B-10 Super Conference is, right now, considered unlikely.
Q: The Cleveland Browns. What’s the deal?
A: Any organization that can sign Deshaun Watson to a long-term, guaranteed contract with a straight face with half of Houston’s women suing him already has the infratstucture in place to comepete for yet another B-10 title.
Q: Which of your tired, old lines will you be trotting out this year
A: Your B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” every single one of them. Vanderbilt will continue to smart from their turn-of-century merging of Athletic and Student Affairs departments and they are “pretty sure” the service academies will be hampered by assorted pregame department secretary rulings and it is expected our Conference of the Week laureates will level up for .500 conference play marks, B-10 TitleTrak Radar predicts it will be steady as she goes.
Q: Speaking of B-10 TitleTrak Radar, are any opening week matchups showing up?
A: Yes, there is no shortage of B-10 blue bloods kicking off their 2022 title runs, as no less than eleven teams with strong B-10 street cred play this week. The Game of the Week is a huge one in Texas where B-10 perennials UTEP and North Texas lock horns, but New Mexico State, UNLV, Vanderbilt, and Northwestern will all be looking for solid losses coming out of the chute.
Q: Can you give us a rundown of all the goddamn trophies you guys award?
A: Probably not. There are a lot of them, but here goes:
ESPNCup
Issued annually to NCAA Bottom Ten champion. Used to be known as Walmart Cup presented by Motel 6.
The Dan Henning Trophy
Issued annually to NFL Bottom Ten champion.
The Tostitos Plaque
Issued to NCAA team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
The Continental Cup
Issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence
The Sgt Bilko Trophy
Symbolic of service academy lousiness. Retained by previous year’s recipient in case of a tie.
The Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion
Symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude. Usually issued to team, but once issued to Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Fro.
The Pete Rozelle Award
Issued weekly and annually to NFL’s worst division. Can be subdivided into Ray Malavasi Medallion (NFC) and Marv Levy Broach (AFC) at need for conference awards.
Conference of the Week/Conference of the Year
Otherwise unnamed award – at least until renamed for Sun Belt Conference – issued to worst major division college conference. B-10 pollsters considering separate Power 5/Group of 5 awards, though hampered by fact column is Bottom Ten and not Bottom Eleven.
Billy Cannon Certificate
Issued to the worst team in the hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person (UL-Monroe/UL-Lafayette) entry, it is symbolic of Cajun football lousiness.
Editor’s Note: the NCAA Bottom Ten will move on Tuesdays, the NFL Bottom Ten on Wednesdays.
