The Bottom Ten is on the house for the first three weeks.
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Admit it, you’re breathing again. The American classic, The Bottom Ten Interregnum Poll, is back. Necessitated by the fact the NFL season still hasn’t started it is, as always, populated with the usual witless social commentary the country has come to know and love.
As usual, the first Bottom Ten hardware of the season is awarded, the more or less coveted Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude.
This year’s imbroglio, as the nags leave the paddock for the starting gate:
1. USA! USA! – The Sunday Bottom 5 #3 staple, entry performs rare cross-over to take top honors in Interregnum survey…A hundred years from now fresh eyes will look back on collapse of America and wonder, among other things, why we did nothing to stop mass shootings and nothing to stop the ignorance of Donald Trump from taking root.
2. Donald Trump – There was a time when ignorance and blather of this magnitude would have been dismissed out of hand by American voters and media, but that time has passed…He’s still a thing, too, despite being a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars…And that the Revolution was won by securing British airports…And that New Mexico borders Colorado.
3. US Media – There was a time when a real US news media – like one anchored by Walter Cronkite or Woodward and Bernstein – would have had a billionaire blatherskite like Trump out of the GOP race in five minutes…Instead, you ushered him into the primaries, the general election, and then the White House and despite humiliating himself and us, he is still a thing…Thanks US media!!!
4. NASA – Once-proud space agency can’t even fill up gas tank properly anymore, as unmanned trip to orbit moon – already heroically late and overbudget – set back yet again…NASA still trying to build 90-person capsule, so even more token Americans can go to moon.
5. Great Britain – As screwed up as we are here in the Colonies, finally showing some smarts and letting a woman take over as PM, replacing the eccentric Boris Johnson, who compared himself to Cincinnatus and a spacecraft returning to Earth in his farewell monologue.
6. Tom Brady – Did we call it or what???…There was no way the GOAT retires with good years left in him to be with his family and there was no way his marriage was going to survive his still playing football…Memo to men: don’t marry when you have things to do in this life…Memo to women: don’t marry men like this.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4) – B-10 perennials claim their first-ever Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – as league’s only 0-4 “team”…If head of steam carries into regular season and Jaguars earn Dan Henning Trophy, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Jaguars will be first team to take B-10 preseason and regular season honors.
8. College Football Playoff Expansion – College football title tournament, also known as the Nick Saban Invitation and the SEC Classic, scheduled to expand to twelve teams by 2026…Proof that B-10 pollsters – long proponents of a 32-team NCAA Division I football playoff – will whine about anything found in fact they’re whining about the fact that what were once regular season elimination games will now be played merely for seeding and a first-round bye.
9. American Unions– Hey guys, where the hell you’d go???…California recently passed worker protections you should’ve been all over and workers’ wages are not rising like they should and they aren’t going to up until labor unions get off their keisters and unionize Walmart.
10. Chicago Cubs (56-78; 3rd place, NL Central) – Longtime Interregnum Poll #10 entry, Cubs, as usual, already safely out of NL pennant race…B-10 pollsters “ strongly suspect” this entry was funnier back when Cubs hadn’t won World Series in a hundred and ten years.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Cleveland at Carolina
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: New York Giants at Tennessee
