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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 2
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
It might well be the deepest Bottom Ten field ever. In fact, the race for the ESPN Cup is so tight there is no room at the inn for 2021 champion Floriday International or last week’s #1 Nebraska, both of whom had dreams of B-10 glory upended by victories last week.
Who to give spots to? The four two (2)-loss teams? The teams with the longest losing streaks? Teams with losses to lower-level teams? Your Bottom Ten pollsters had no idea, either, and only came up with this week’s survey after numerous consultations with their bar tabs.
This week’s mess:
1. UTEP (0-2; lost to Oklahoma 45-13)
Mitigating Factors: Though current four (4)-game losing streak modest by B-10, UTEP standards, Miners return to B-10 throne as 0-2 team with deepest B-10 history…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Miners only top-ranked B-10 team “like, ever” whose current losing streak includes stirring New Mexico Bowl loss.
FunFact: Miners off to sizzling 0-2 start for seventh time this century, though, somehow, for first time since treasured 2018’s squad started 0-11.
Next Loss: New Mexico State
2. New Mexico State (0-2; lost to Minnesota 38-0)
Mitigating Factors: Big road, shutout loss has patented TitleTrak Radar blowing fuses left and right, as Aggiess on coveted B-10 medal stand before first B-10 Game of the Year this week at UTEP…Aggies have lost 31 of last 36 and have not beaten major division team that finished season with winning record since 2016.
FunFact: With three (3) games remaining against current B-10 teams, Aggies face long haul in quest for 2022 B-10 glory.
Next Loss: at UTEP
3. Temple (0-1; lost to Duke 30-0)
Mitigating Factors: Depth of 2022 B-10 field on full display as Owls, owners of nation-best eight (8)-game losing skid, can only rustle up a #3 ranking this week…Conference realignments in no danger of affecting Temple, which has lost 17 of last 22…Efficient Owl offense already in midseason form, punting or turning the ball over on ten (10) of eleven (11) possessions.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters getting misty-eyed as Owls return to B-10 glory, as B-10 fan(s) everywhere recall Temple’s annual B-10 runs in Double Aughts that eventually got them thrown out of Big East Conference.
Next Loss: Lafayette
4. UMess (0-1; lost to Tulane 42-10)
Mitigating Factors: Minutemen relentless in quest for yet another B-10 medal stand finish, as offense explodes for 17 yards passing, showing versatility with five (5) incompletions to five (5) different receivers…UMess has lost 34 of 39, but will still need strong road loss to MAC school to retain place near center of B-10 TitleTrak Radar and cannot get caught looking ahead to potential losses to Temple, New Mexico State, UConn.
FunFact: Pesky student union making squad play four (4) of first five (5) games on road so early B-10 run doesn’t distract students during fraternity/sorority pledge drives.
Next Loss: at Toledo
5. Charlotte (0-2; lost to William & Mary 41-24)
Mitigating Factors: Showing type of mettle that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, Charlotte wastes gritty comeback that produced third-quarter lead to get outscored 21-0 in final period…With loss to lower level team already in hand, 49ers looking to move up next week after obligatory pasting to Power 5 school.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Charlotte first team to lose to school that has produced at least three US presidents since Tijuana Tech lost to Harvard in 1953.
Next Loss: Maryland
6. Hawaii (0-2; lost to Western Kentucky 49-17)
Mitigating Factors: With losses to B-10 perennial Vanderbilt, plus 2009 B-10 champion Hilltoppers, student union considering making team play entire season on mainland to avoid grind air travel would have on chase for B-10 medal stand.
FunFact: With first 0-2 start since 2016, Hawaii in strong position for best B-10 campaign since 1994’s squad took B-10 Southwest Pacific Regional honors with 3-8-1 mark.
Next Loss: at Michigan
7. Defense Department (0-2; Army: lost to Coastal Carolina 38-28; Navy: lost to Delaware 14-7)
Mitigating Factors: Cadets and Midshipmen both fire opening salvos in quest for coveted Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with strong opening losses…Navy hampered by threats of dishonorable discharges if they beat team from Commander-in-Chief’s home state.
FunFact: Army also hampered by pregame Defense Secretary edict requiring players – to better prepare for future battles against ISIS – to call audibles in Farsi, a language no one understood.
Next Losses: Army: Texas-San Antonio; Navy: Memphis
8. Theil College (0-1; lost to Montclair State 27-6)
Mitigating Factors: D-III Tomcats staying the course in 2022, keeping paws on Continental Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak in NAFTA – with 38th consecutive loss…Athletic department staffer(s) considering petitioning NCAA for special Moral Victory designation, as 21-point loss was actually closest game since 14-13 drubbing at hands of Wayneburg University in 20-19.
FunFact: Nobody else at school any good either, as entire fall sports line-up off to 3-6 start.
Next Loss: Alleghany College
9. C-USA
Mitigating Factors: No strangers crashing a party here, as C-USA surprises no one by earning Week 2 Conference of the Week honors…C-USA has strong opening, with 1-7 major division non-conference mark…Conference gets nod over equally 1-7 MAC thanks to Charlotte’s loss to lower level Bill and Mary.
Christ, Still No New Material: Despite horrid start, C-USA’s social medial platform(s) boldly predicting conference will rebound for strong .500 conference play mark.
10. Rice (0-1; lost to USC 66-14)
Mitigating Factors: Rice fan(s), no stranger to the vagaries of the week in, week out tussle of the B-10, decline to file protest on legacy points not earning them a higher ranking, and are content to let others slug it out up top, while they slowly move up as they run the table in 2022.
FunFact: With other members of hilarious, occasional Tri-Lateral Commission joint entry Duke and Vanderbilt a combined 3-0, Owls left to go it alone in blue-blood private school’s quest for B-10 medal stand….Owls, with seven (7) consecutive losing seasons, privately expect to be up to challenge.
Next Loss: McNeese State
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: #2 New Mexico State at #1 UTEP
Intercontinental Blowout of the Week: #6 Hawaii at Michigan
Up Next On ESPN723: #4 UMess at Toledo
