The Bottom Ten/The Best of 2022
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
The work is over, and vacation for your intrepid Bottom Ten pollsters can now begin. After 20 weeks, a total of 20 NFL surveys and 16 college surveys, it is time to separate the wheat from the chaff – or whatever it is they do in the Heartland – and produce the funniest Bottom Ten lines of the year. There are 40 of them, more or less, with your Bottom Ten pollsters “pretty sure” they represent the very best of the past four-and-a-half months.
Thank you for reading. As we noted last week, if you enjoy reading this half as much as we enjoy producing it, you enjoy it an awful lot. We’ll see you in 209 days when we all gather for the 2023 Bottom Ten Preseason Q&A.
The Bottom Ten Best of 2022 Medal Stand:
1. AFC South champion Jaguars ranked solely as humanitarian gesture so owner Genghis Khan – no stranger to B-10 glory – doesn’t behead entire coaching staff for disobeying team-issued fatwa not to make playoffs.
2. This week’s game against Martin Luther to be televised by the Reformation Network and will feature pregame show hosted by The Lutheran Hour, with special halftime communion ceremony, with Cliff Bars, Powerade representing the body and blood of Christ.
3. Midshipmen – wearing uniforms honoring astronauts with prior naval service – hindered by pregame NASA directive requiring all audibles to be end in “over” and acknowledged with “roger”…
3A – Midshipmen – wearing uniforms honoring astronauts with prior naval service – hindered by pregame NASA directive requiring all communications with press box to bounce off moon first.
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The rest of year-end laureates:
Pac 12 first conference to begin season on B-10 medal since Border Alliance Conference – Tijuana Tech, Universidad de Tecate, Yuma State, Navajo A&M – in 1943.
B-10 TitleTrak Radar already locked in on UConn/UMess Nov 4 matchup, with loser likely to find themselves in position for strong B-10 medal stand run as well as possession of John Adams Spittoon, symbolic of Yankee football ineptitude.
Army also hampered by pregame Defense Secretary edict requiring players – to better prepare for future battles against ISIS – to call audibles in Farsi, a language no one understood.
Both Midshipmen and Cadets hampered by pregame Defense Secretary ruling requiring both teams to march in step while in pass coverage.
Rams highest ranked B-10 team who share logo with pick-up truck since Tijuana Tech F-150s in 1963.
B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this was first meeting ever between team with longest D-III winning streak vs team with longest D-III losing streak since Augustana defeated Tijuana Tech 133-2 in 1986.
Team requesting NFL nullify 15-yard touchdown celebration penalty, citing fact they score so few each one is a cause for celebration…
Steelers cannot get caught looking ahead to guaranteed loss vs Bills in two (2) weeks, as Jets bad enough to trap Steelers into unexpected victory…
Jets cannot get caught looking ahead to guaranteed loss vs Dolphins in two (2) weeks, as Steelers bad enough to trap Jets into unexpected victory…
Football team so bad it shares space on top of athletic department webpage with chick soccer’s iconic 1-0 win over Abeline Christian and chick golf’s upcoming tournament.
B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Finlandia northernmost school to hold Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-divsion losing streak in NATO – since Arctic Tech in 1943…
Akron ticket office having trouble telling difference between COVID, post-COVID era as they are still only selling seven (7) tickets per game.
Army hampered by pregame Army Secretary ruling requiring team – to better prepare for upcoming chief of staff inspection – to shine shoes between snaps instead of forming huddle to find out what next play will be.
With only win coming against Duquesne, Hawaii first team to be ranked in B-10 with win over team with “Q” in its name since Tijuana Tech beat Quito State in 1967.
Owner Genghis Khan so pleased tragic two (2)-game win skid over, he released coaching staff’s children he was holding hostage as B-10 perennial Jaguars back to old selves, breaking Texans’ opening unvictoried streak…
Troy Aikman was right, take off the dresses…B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” defenders will get 15-yard penalties for laying anything stronger than a curt nod at an NFL quarterback now, with summary executions for any lineman coming within five (5) yards of Tom Brady.
Still thinking expansion, Big Ten considering invading Mid-American Conference to improve long-term B-10 prospects.
Someone in NFL office getting flogged this week for putting Broncos on national TV in consecutive weeks…
With more losses meaning value for naming rights for Wildcats’ new stadium sinking like stone, B-10 pollsters holding out until naming rights for Bottom Ten Field can be had for a couple of hundred bucks.
Lobo soccer team could’ve played this one, as every Lobo drive ends with a kick…
Hoosiers continue to give clinic in How To Recover From 3-0 Start following sixth straight loss…
Army hampered by pregame Commanding General’s decision to have pregame meal consist of 1775 Continental Army rations: molasses, spruce beer, and three (3) pounds of peas.
Army secretary’s pregame orders to “don’t score until you see the whites of their eyes” proved to be less inspirational than hoped.
Commodores still hampered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Animal Husbandry majors chipping in on defense caused chaos by audiblizing with bird calls.
With ten (10) punts and three (3) points, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” UMess earns weekly Ray Guy Award with 3.333333-to-1.0 punts-to-points ratio…
NFL, Colts to conduct investigation into what Colts were doing on Monday Night Football in first place…
Though untimely three (3)-game win skid probably ended Lions 2022 B-10 title chances, strong finish will ensure 63rd-straight final B-10 finish…
With King Charles III still head of state and unable to attend [Bahamas Bowl], royal family to send disgraced Prince Andrew for ceremonial coin toss, halftime cheerleader feel-up.
New sponsor is Duluth Trading Company, with company expected to maximize product visibility by outfitting teams in flannel shirts, 100% cotton cardigans, and lined, fire hose pants.
Even ancient Mayans playing pok-a-tok managed to have a winner for every game, though this concept still completley flummoxes NFL…This won’t change until sportsbooks NFL is in bed with start demanding it.
Ranked earlier, of course, but B-10 pollsters’ bar tabs got such a workout recording secretary jotted team down twice and, with both deadline and last call looming, were unable to insert substitute team…
Late-season game vs Lions has B-10 medal stand implications for at least one team for 39th consecutive year…
Bears’ management, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” team will be able to have upcoming first pick in NFL draft washed-up by Year 2.
Already focused on 2023, Texans fire head coach immediately after game, hoping to instill “B-10 title or bust” mentality throughout franchise for next year.
