The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s on. Let’s get ready to lose.
With the New Mexico State/UTEP thriller in the books and with seven (7) defending champions from last season returning, the Bottom Ten’s patented TitleTrak Radar is already blowing fuses left and right with Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere eagerly anticipating the tightest race for the ESPNCup since 2020.
This week’s mess. Season record, last week’s score or 2021 record, final Bottom Ten position in parentheses.
1. New Mexico State (0-1; lost to UTEP 30-3)
Mitigating Factors: Aggies get leg up on first-ever B-10 title after snapping UTEP’s eleven (11)-game losing streak…B-10 fan(s) everywhere already talking wire-to-wire B-10 run for Aggies following a resounding home loss to UTEP squad itself expected to contend for coveted B-10 medal stand berth.
Broad, Historical Context: Since somehow winning three (3) straight to end 2017, Aggies have lost 15 of 20.
Next Loss: at San Diego State
2. Kansas (0-9; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks looking to solidify B-10 Team of the Quarter Century Honors by securing third ESPNCup since 2015 in 2021…With Texas and Oklahoma set to join SEC, Kansas fan(s) nervous, left to wonder where else they are going to find two (2) guaranteed losses every season…Jayhawks can get big head start on 2021 title defense with strong loss to lower-level team in opener.
FunFact: With deepest season-opening field ever, Jayhawks secure Week 1 medal stand berth by owning nation’s-best 13 game skid.
Opening Loss: South Dakota (9/3)
3. Duke (2-9; NR)
Mitigating Factors: As B-10 Team of the Decade for Double Aughts, Bleu Devil entitled to courtesy preseason ranking, but actually earned coveted spot on Week 1 medal stand with worst season since iconic 2007 squad went 1-11…B-10 fan(s) everywhere circling 9/18 on calendars as Bleu Devils playing in annual B-10 Heritage Classic vs B-10 Hall of Fame laureates Northwestern.
FunFact: Interest in 9/25 game vs Kansas faded quickly after fan(s) realized it wasn’t a basketball game.
Next Loss: at Charlotte (9/3)
4. Louisiana-Monroe (0-10; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Warhawks looking to build on 2020’s table running with another B-10 title run, second onsecutive unvictoried season…With three (3) straight losses to archrival Louisiana-Lafayette, Warhawk fan(s) anticipating no problems retaining Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football lousiness.
FunFact: Louisiana-Famous Dead Person – the hilarious joint entry with UL-L – would have been included in the Week 1 survey had UL-L not up and went 10-1 last eason.
Opening Loss: at Kentucky
5. Thiel College (0-0; NR)
Mitigating Factors: Losers of 27 straight, Tomcats dusting off Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – after taking last year off…Tomcats making big pitch for B-10 Small College Team of the Quarter Century honors, as current skid second losing streak of at least 20 games this century.
FunFact: Tomcats haven’t had winning season since Bush Administration, when 2005 squad actually went 11-1, with only loss coming in second round of Division III playoffs.
Next Loss: at Allegheny
6. MAC (9th)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 Conference of the Year did the impossible in 2020, having two B-10 champions in the same season, something Sun Belt Conference never even managed…Conference ticket offices busy laying off people as MAC teams expect even fewer people in stands than last year’s average attendance of 17 fans per game.
FunFact: Despite lousy teams, B-10 pollsters remain “pretty sure” conference teams will be able to level up and produce .500 conference play marks.
7. Bowling Green (0-5; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Another MAC power coming off first-ever B-10 title, Falcons have lost eight (8) straight…Falcons really coming on strong in second half of last decade, making modest pitch for B-10 Team of the Quarter Century honors with 13-38 mark since winning 2015 MAC championship game.
FunFact: Though Falcons fully expect to start 0-2, squad knows it cannot be caught looking to minefield that is MAC conference play with Week 3 matchup against lower-level Murray State looming.
Opening Loss: at Tennessee
8. Vanderbilt (0-9; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores still reeling from turn of century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Biology Club members – interested in stopping spread of COVID – requiring defenders to give opposing ball carriers nasal swabs before tackling them…Commodore’s current ten (10)-game skid best since 2009-10 ten (10) gamer.
Broad, Historical Context: To ensure team is as bad as possible when Texas and Oklahoma join conference, freshmen required to get waiver signed by Alabama coach Nick Saban certifying they’re not good enough to play for real SEC team.
Opening Loss: East Tennessee State
9. Arizona (0-5; NR)
Mitigating Factors: Wildcats a classic case of East Coast bias as team has lost nation’s second-best twelve (12) straight and still couldn’t get ranked in final 2020 B-10 survey…B-10 pollsters still shuffling through paperwork, but remain “pretty sure” school’s $20,000 check for “administrative expenses” arrived after final deadline last year.
FunFact: With another lousy season on tap, Wildcat fan(s) grateful they don’t have to worry about making New Year’s travel plans for Pasadena and can enjoy a quiet holiday at home.
Opening Loss: BYU
10. UTEP (1-0; defeated New Mexico State 30-3 )
Mitigating Factors: Miners 2021 title hopes already on the rocks following tragic road win to lousy New Mexico State, tho UTEP staffers point out there could be big strength of schedule points later should Aggies lose out…Miners can reappear on patented B-10 TitleTrak radar and reestablish B-10 title street cred with strong home loss to lower-level team this week.
FunFact: Week 1 win means Miners now odds-on favorites for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – should, when, they lose out.
Next Loss: Bethune-Cookman
No room at the Week 1 inn: Nebraska, Northern Illinois, Rice
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: South Dakota at Kansas
These Aren’t Going To Be Any Good, Either: Entire MAC schedule
