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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s back, the American classic, NFL Bottom Ten Week 2 Interregnum Poll. As always, it features the witless social commentary you demand out of your Interregnum Polls and is mandated by the fact the NFL starts its season a week later than the college kids do.
It was with heavy hearts that Bottom Ten staffers noted the passing of Jim Hanifan, the namesake of the now-renamed Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion, issued during the Week 2 Interregnum Poll to the team issuing the most preseason lousiness.
This year’s mess:
1. Non-Vaccinators – How many individual choice/freedom lovers need to die stupid, needless deaths before everyone gets vaccinated???…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” the only remaining reasons are ignorance and stubbornness. …Next Loss: Your life, if you insist on not getting vaccinated.
2. USA! USA! – Now a partisan, fractured bickering mess almost beyond repair…Once a beacon of hope for rest of planet, now merely collection of 340 million people content to be well-fed and well-entertained…Next Loss: Entire way of life, as B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” country will collapse before this half-century is out if some changes aren’t made.
3. USA! USA! II – Three generations into TV being focal point of American life, US now collectively a selfish, ignorant citizenry that actually elected Donald Trump – Donald Trump! – president and where almost half refuse vaccine that will prevent them from dying of COVID.
4. NCAA – One of few organizations that is simultaneously pimp, whore and john, soon to be relegated to conducting small college rifle championships, as soon as SEC consolidates power and takes over conducting basketball tournament.
5. Dallas Cowboys (0-4; lost to Jacksonville 24-14) – With only 0-4 preseason mark in NFL, Cowboys easy pick for their first-ever Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason lousiness…Next Loss: at Tampa Bay (Thu 9/9)
6. Joe Biden – Sees poll numbers dropping despite two things: 1) Son of Man himself would have produced messy Afghanistan withdrawal and 2) rising COVID deaths fault of people not getting vaccinated, not president.
7. Donald Trump – Still a viable political threat despite two (2) impeachments, his only real talent being drawing attention and being a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars…The GOP deserves better than this, of course, but the GOP currently is not demanding better than this.
8. Interregnum – Archaic word that usually describes a gap in something, makes only US appearance outside of time between presidential election, inauguration…From Latin ‘inter” (among, between) and ‘regnum’ (reign)…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” knowledge of this sort is why they don’t get too many dates.
9. Chicago Cubs – An Interregnum Poll staple since back when it was fun to make fun of their World Series drought, Cubs kept around just for the hell of it…Cubs all but out of 2021 race, nine (9) games below .500 and ten (10) games out of last wild card spot
10. Don Criqui – Hall of Fame announcer back for another season sponsoring “This Is Don Criqui Reporting”, leadline for second-worst NFL game of a given week…This is done more to symbolize his not working as many big games as he should have than it is a knock on his announcing skills, which were as admired as they were considerable.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Jacksonville at Texas
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: New York (A) at Carolina
