The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 8
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Next loser up.
In a season that has seen several #1 teams, not to mention the deepest field in ages, the race for the ESPNCup has a new pacesetter and it should surprise Bottom Ten fan(s) nowhere that the new #1 is from the MAC.
No one should rest on their laurels though, as there two (2) big games this week: New Mexico State at UMess and Hawaii at Colorado State, not to mention the entire MAC schedule, of course.
This week’s mess:
1. Akron (1-6; lost to Central Michigan 28-21)
Mitigating Factors: Zips – the 2019 B-10 champions – setting stage for strong B-10 Team of Quarter Century honors – with yet another title run…Zips six (6)-game losing skid currently best in nation…Team so bad athletic department website’s lead story is the retiring uniform numbers of two (2) chick soccer players.
FunFact: Zips have lost 34 of 38 for first time since losing 35 of 39 from 2010-2013.
Next Loss: at Kent State
2. UMess (1-6; lost to Buffalo 34-7)
Mitigating Factors: Minutemen short-circuiting B-10’s patented TitleTrak radar again with fourth straight loss…Offense easly overcomes testy defense, convincingly turning two (2) interceptions into zero (0) points….UMess thinking of changing name of McGuirk Alumni Stadium because neither McGuirks nor alumni want name associated with stadium anymore.
FunFact: By merely losing out – certainly doable – Minutemen can finish with one (1)-win season for fifth time since – for some reason – resuming major division football in 2012.
Next Loss: New Mexico State
3. Nevada (2-5; lost to Hawaii 31-16)
Mitigating Factors: Wolf Pack fan(s) ecstatic, as consecutive losses to Colorado State, Hawaii have Wolf Pack in rarefied air of B-10 medal stand for first time…There are so many postseason bowl games nowadays that despite appearance on Week 8 B-10 medal stand, Wolf Pack can still make Guido’s Crack Whore Bowl Presented By Trojan Condoms by winning out.
FunFact: Current five (5)-game losing trek best since 2017 squad started 0-5.
Next Loss: San Diego State
4. South Florida (1-6; lost to Tulane 45-31)
Mitigating Factors: The Highest Debuting Team of the Week, Bulls squarely on B-10 TitleTrak Radar with fifth straight loss…B-10 pollsters thinking of sending TitleTrak Radar in for tuneup as Bulls just now appearing in survey despite having lost 24 of last 28.
FunFact: With only win coming in second game, Bulls only have outside shot at Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: Houston (10/29)
5. Finlandia (0-6; lost to Martin Luther 34-0)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Lions’ paw prints remain all over Continental Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak in NATO – with 37th straight loss…Offense tosses third shutout of season, bringing per-game scoring average down 5.6 ppg…In what B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” is a surprise, this is only good for third-worst in D-III.
FunFact: Should Lions up and actually win, both D-II West Virginia Wesleyan and FCS Wagner waiting in wings with 26 straight losses.
Next Loss: Crown
6. Northwestern (1-5; lost Wisconsin 42-7)
Mitigating Factors: With B-10 pollsters determining that naming rights to Northwestern’s new stadium prohibitively expensive, B-10 staffers looking around for a few extra bucks to bid on naming rights for highly anticipated ear wax removal stations…Defense ranks 11th in conference that only admits to having ten (10) teams, giving up 406 ypg.
FunFact: With only win coming in Ireland, Wildcats odd-on-favorite for Lewis & Clark Cup, issued to team with win in Europe, but who manages to run table on mainland.
Next Loss: at Maryland
7. Home On The Range (2-10; Colorado: defeated Cal 20-13 OT; Colorado State: lost to Utah State 17-13)
Mitigating Factors: With Buffaloes joining Rams in dropping from B-10 top spot in 2022 – and with the sheer depth of 2022 B-10 field – teams relegated to hilarious joint entry for foreseeable future…Teams haven’t played since 2019 and two (2) or three (3) remaining college football fans in state would call for them to resume “rivalry”, but with Avalanche winning Stanley Cup, no one really cares.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first time former #1 teams have shared hilarious joint entry since Rice, Duke, Vanderbilt formed inaugural Tri-Lateral Commission entry in 1953.
Next Losses: Colorado: at Oregon State; Colorado State: Hawaii
8. Big Ten
Mitigating Factors: Though sheer depth of 2022 B-10 field prevents more than two teams being ranked this week, Big Ten takes coveted B-10 Conference of the Week Award as three (3) teams have lost at least three (3) straight games and half of teams have losing records…Still thinking expansion, Big Ten considering invading Mid-American Conference to improve long-term B-10 prospects.
FunFact: Conference insiders report Big Ten teams should be able to maintain frenetic .500 record in conference play for remainder of season.
9. Vanderbilt (3-4; lost to Georgia 55-0)
Mitigating Factors: Historically some of the strongest finishers in B-10, Commodores already in end-of-season form, recovering nicely from 3-1 start with strong three (3)-game skid…Commodores still smarting from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Sign Language Club takes charge of play calling and draws 395 yards in delay of game penalties as “draw play” and “blitz” don’t translate very well.
FunFact: Three (3)-win teams not ranked too often, but with one win against lower-level team and two wins against previous B-10 #1 teams, Commodore get big strength-of-schedule points.
Next Loss: at Missouri
10. Indiana (3-4; lost to Maryland 38-33)
Mitigating Factors: The long road has been trod as Hoosiers – a B-10 Legacy Team – sashay into B-10 Hall of Fame by becoming first team to lose 700 (non-consecutive) games, a feat that has Duke and Northwestern both seething with envy and issuing golf claps….Hoosiers recovering nicely from two (2)-year stretch where they 14-7, going 5-14 past two (2) seasons.
FunFact: With 504-700-44 all-time mark, Hoosiers would have to go undefeated through fourth game of 2039 season to reach historical .500. Editor’s Note: figures are for regular season only.
Next Loss: at Rutgers
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New Mexico State at UMess
Good Seats Still Available: Hawaii at Colorado State
