The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 6
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
And then there were three (3).
Three (3) 0-5 teams remain in the quest for the ESPNCup – symbolic of collegiate Bottom Ten supremacy – as our patented Bottom Ten TitleTrak Radar didn’t blow any fuses this week as it was, refreshingly, steady as she goes with no changes in the top six (6) spots this week…In fact, had previously unvictoried Buffalo not up and won, there might have been no change at all.
The Bulls win, however, creating an opening this week, one that was deftly filled by those B-10 stalwarts from Vanderbilt.
This week’s mess:
1. Nevada (0-5; lost to Fresno State 27-9)
Mitigating Factors: Wolf Pack have no trouble – not that any was really expected – in extending nation’s-best losing streak to 15 straight…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Wolf Pack first B-10 #1 team to trail game 27-2 “like, basically, ever, dude”…Nevada looking for first winless season ever, which would eclipse one (1)-win campaign by iconic, treasured 1950 squad.
FunFact: Rivalry game against UNLV later this month will see loser take possession Vic’s Roulette Wheel, symbolic of Silver State college football ineptitude.
Next Loss: UNLV (10/14)
2. Virginia (0-5; lost to Boston College 27-24)
Mitigating Factors: Cavaliers leapfrog to runner-up spot based on strength of current eight (8)-game skid, the second-best in country and team’s best since 2013-14’s ten (10)-gamer…Cavaliers show resiliency, blowing 14-0 lead and overcoming 4th-quarter tie and have now lost 16-of-19…Offense getting smiley faces on playbooks for turning two (2) 4th-quarter BC fumbles into only three (3) points.
FunFact: With sheer depth of 2023 B-10 field, Cavaliers in a must-lose situation this week, against lower-level team.
Next Loss: William & Mary
3. UConn (0-5; l;ost to Utah State 34-33)
Mitigating Factors: UConn plays with fire in quest for 2023 B-10 glory, rushing for over 200 yards and only turning ball over once in game not decided until final two (2) minutes…Thank God the defense couldn’t stop B-10 pollsters executing a screen pass, a defense allows four (4) passing touchdowns…Huskies have lost at least five (5) straight games in a season for sixth time since 2016.
FunFact: Huskies have lost at least five (5) straight in a season nine (9) times this century.
Next Loss: at Rice
4. UTEP (1-4; lost to Louisiana Tech 24-10)
Mitigating Factors: Miners heroically keeping tabs on B-10 medal stand laureates, standing by should one actually win a game…Miners themselves actually not out of B-10 woods, with games against New Mexico State and Sam Houston still to come, not to mention B-10 Legacy Games against FIU and Western Kentucky.
FunFact: A B-10 legacy team themselves, Miners looking to regain form that saw them go 2-34 and claim one (1) B-10 title from 2017-19.
Next Loss: at Florida International (10/11)
5. UMess (1-5; lost to Arkansas State 52-28)
Mitigating Factors: UMess another one (1)-win team keeping B-10 title hopes alive with loss…Minutemen never in this one, trailing 17-0 and 31-7 before putting it on cruise control with 31-10 halftime deficit…Defense takes charge early, giving up touchdowns on four (4) of first six (6) drives.
FunFact: With win coming in opener, UMess remains favorite for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – if the can lose out.
Next Loss: Toledo
6. Fort Lewis (0-5; lost to Colorado State-Pueblo 85-7)
Mitigating Factors: Division II Skyhawks retain – rather easily – Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO with 33rd straight loss…Defense taken out behind local weed store after game for beating after actually making opponents punt three (3) times and not letting them score attention-getting 100 points…Despite 103 rushing yards, Skyhawks’ 117 penalty yards gives them impressive 1.1359-to-1 Penalty-Yard-To-Rushing-Yard ratio.
FunFact: Pretty much every conference road game has been a homecoming game for Skyhawks the past three years.
Next Loss: at Chadron State
7. American Athletic Conference
Mitigating Factors: With two (2) teams in survey – and Navy not far behind – and a total of six (6) one (1)-win teams, AAC easy choice for yet another coveted B-10 Conference of the Week Award…A relative newcomer to the Conference of the Week podium, AAC staffers have been receiving protocol and procedure tutorials from Sun Belt Conference, MAC.
FunFact: Though still early, conference officials privately confide they anticipate maintaining strong .500 conference play mark.
8. Charlotte (1-4; lost to SMU 34-16)
Mitigating Factors: 49eers hanging tough in deepest B-10 environment in ages with fourth straight loss…Charlotte hasn’t won consecutive games against major division teams since 2000 against North Texas and UTEP, which is really more of a technicality than an accomplishment…49ers playing with B-10 fire, only losing games by average score of 27.6-to-18.4.
FunFact: SMU boosters, fresh off buying way into Atlantic Coast Conference, held tutorial for Charlotte booster(s), with 49er alumni hoping to save enough loose change to buy their way into AAC, but then they realized they’re already in AAC.
Next Loss: Navy (10/14)
9. UAB (1-4; lost to Tulane 35-23)
Mitigating Factors: Blazers show mettle, confidently blowing 20-7 lead in type of loss that tends to set tone for strong B-10 runs…With Blazers coming off six (6) consecutive winning seasons and with coaching staff still reviewing B-10 onboarding materials, Blazers trying to avoid “happy to be here” attitude because they know opportunities for B-10 glory do not come along every year.
FunFact: Not your typical B-10 statistical juggernaut, Blazers only rank 100th or worse in six (6) official NCAA stat categories.
Next Loss: South Florida
10. Vanderbilt (2-4; lost to Missouri 38-21)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores getting head start on historically strong finish with fourth straight loss…Commodores still smarting from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as divinity school students assigned coaching duties instruct offensive linemen to turn the other cheek when opposing defenders hit them, resulting in NCAA-record 52 sacks.
FunFact: With wins coming in first two (2) games, Commodores will need help to earn Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss: at Florida
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Toledo at UMess
Up Next On ESPN 9,320: UConn at Rice
