The Daily Dose/June 9, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.
THERE’S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE: The email came to our address at our county veterans service officer (VSO) job, though we’re not sure if that was a red flag or not. It was from a representative of Vertz Bank in Austria, one Leon Gattis, informing me that Edward Kent, recently deceased and a relative of mine, had left me $850,000.
Hello (Modest) Retirement: If you’re not greedy and have half a brain, there was an immediate sign you are dealing with a scammer: Mr Gattis wrote me from a gmail address and not from a Vertz Bank email account. But it was a slow day at the VSO and I played along, mainly for personal amusement, and Mr Gattis wrote back and sent some forms, including an application for the release of the funds. Since it didn’t ask for anything more sensitive than a mailing address, I filled it out and sent it back.
Dry, Technical Matter: The next time I was in the office, two days later, there was an email from an official at the bank, with a bank email account, thanking me for my prompt response, indicating that the government was going to confiscate the money soon and we must act with all possible haste. My application had been received and was in “administrative processing”. His red flag was that his English was substandard. It wasn’t Nigerian email scam bad, but it wasn’t the quality you’d expect of someone in that position. His next email stated I would be required to produce some paperwork, a probate letter, a certified application for the money and a registered death certificate. Since time remained of the essence, it was imperative I go to Austria immediately if not sooner to take care of this. In the extremely rare circumstance I was unable to immediately flee to Austria, contact information for a law firm in Austria was, for my convenience, included.
Lacking anything better to do, I contacted the law firm and they wrote back soon enough that they would be delighted to arrange everything for a mere $1,750.
Now We Know: Finally. I was wondering what the scam was. Because I hadn’t been immediately asked for bank account or social security numbers I was beginning to suspect this might be on the up and up, though I was wondering why bankers in Austria were answering emails in the late evening there.
Way To Go Joe Friday: I’m not a complete idiot and some farting around on their website showed none of their social media links worked and further investigation showed their website was registered to someone in Maine.
The Bottom Line: We’re delighted to be among the first scammed like this because googling ‘Vertz Bank scam’ turned up nothing and we are still debating whether to snitch to the Feds on them. We’re not snitches by nature, though, and if people are dumb enough to fall for this, that’s their lookout. But be careful. Your instincts will generally tell you when something is a scam. Don’t ignore them, because they’re probably right.
Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually.
Read Free Week continues!
The Diary of a Nobody: The gray in Sparrow’s COVID beard will not go away. Today’s Diary.
I am not pleased at all with that beard wash I’m using to get rid of my gray beard hair…I’m almost thru two tubes and it’s as if the product is called Add Gray because I am seeing no change…On the other hand – and I am not making this up – my chest hair is all dark now!!!…I guess enuff of the stuff has dripped down from my beard while I let it sit after applying it…I don’t think it went from white back to dark on its own.
Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: We have the Holy Trinity for you today, three entries because they’re all rather short. Among the thrills, Orwad calls off, which makes everybody happy.
The shocker in the four-hole came about because Orwad called off. We do not know why Orwad called off, nor do we particularly care. Maybe the pimp came by and delivered the smackdown, or maybe he has dandruff. Either way, no one was getting too worked up about it, even though the story of the impending pimp smackdown is common knowledge because Orwad did everything but issue a press release on the matter.
Click here get in on the laffs: The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, The Bottom Ten, the funniest books you’ve ever read. We offer 4Ever and Ever access, or cheapskates can purchase books and columns individually.
On This Date
History’s long march to today.
In 1959 – The USS George Washington (SSBN-578), the world’s first nuclear powered ballistic missile submarine, is launched in Groton, Connecticut. She was commissioned in December and conducted her first missile tests the following summer and her first refueling came in 1970, after having sailed over 100,000 nautical miles, about 115,000 statute miles. The George Washington last sailed as a ballistic missile submarine in 1983 to facilitate American compliance with the SALT I treaty and was decommissioned in 1985.
In 2003 – The New Jersey Devils win the Stanley Cup defeating the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim 3-0 in Game 7 of the finals. It was the third and most recent Stanley Cup win for the Devils, who had also won it in 1995 and 2000. New Jersey scout Marcel Pronovost had his name engraved on the Stanley Cup for the eighth time, 53 years after his first time as a player with Detroit in 1950, a record for time between first and last Cup engravings that still stands.
In 1984 – Cyndi Lauper is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first of two consecutive weeks with Time After Time. It was the second chart single for Lauper, her second of four consecutive Top 10 hits and her first of two #1 songs (True Colors, two weeks, 1986). The song also went to #1 in Canada and peaked at #78 on Billboard’s soul chart. It was co-written by Lauper and Rob Hyman and a remixed version of the song peaked at #2 on Billboard’s dance chart in 2014.
Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them. – George Bernard Shaw
Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know.
Marvin Gaye had three #1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100: I Heart It Through the Grapevine (1968), Let’s Get It On (1973) and Got To Give It Up (Part 1), (1976).
Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
Who were the head coaches of the New Jersey Devils the years they won the Stanley Cup? – Answer next time!
