Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…
Thursday, December 19
I was the first customer at the new convenience store this morning!!!…I am not making that up!!!
I was driving to the gym, which is right across the street from the new store, at 0500 and I thought I remembered reading it was opening this morning, at 0600…I pull in and there are people scurrying around and there’s a sign on the door saying the store will open tomorrow, but I figured that was still up from yesterday…There will too many people in uniform working too feverishly for it to be opening Friday…To confirm this, I drive next door to the closed convenience store and re-read the sign to confirm when the new store is opening: indeed, it’s Thursday morning at 0600.
So I go workout…I want to be the first customer, tho…But I’m also fully rested and want to get a full workout it…That takes a bit more than an hour, tho, putting me in prime position to be the 30th customer and not the first…I don’t want to do a quick workout, so I come across the brilliant idea of cutting one set per body part…This worked great…I did the light set and then the heavy set, cutting out the middle set…This provided me with max weight for two exercises per body part, which is what I was looking for, plus cut out one-third of the workout, meaning I saved 20 minutes.
I was in the new convenience store’s parking lot at 0545, just in case they were opening early…A guy was out front sweeping in front of the door and he said no, they were opening right on schedule at 0600, so I commandeered the parking spot that put the front door immediately off of my left, perfect position to get out of the new ride and scoot in the freshly opened door…I would have gotten out and waited but it was four degrees out and tho I had my warm jacket, gloves and watch cap on, I was wearing shorts.
Soon enough people start parking near me…I don’t think they’re hell-bent on being the historic first customer – they’re working men looking for their morning coffee – but I’m keeping tabs on them anyway, noting that none are parked closer to the front door than I am.
Then about five minutes to Go Time some short fat guy with a beard waddles up to the front door, finds them locked, then puts his hands in his pockets and shuffles around…I can’t have this loser being in the door before I am, so I get out of the new ride, holding the travel mug that’s always in the car, and start some small talk…It’s his right to be first in line, of course, but he wanders away a few feet and then BOOM ol’ Sparrow is now first in line.
There are still four minutes to go, but I’m warm enough and then everyone else gets out and a line starts forming…Bully for them…They are all safely behind me and they can fight it out for second customer honors, about as memorable as being Henry VII or part of Apollo 12, nice, but who gives a rat’s ass…Then I start rethinking my strategy of filling the travel mug…The coffee station is in the left corner – relative to the front door – and what if someone gets something closer, and quicker, to the checker???…I’m screwed…So I go tactical, spot the donuts and muffin case, and decide to get something from there…It’s ten feet from the checker…I scope out the others in line, decide none of them are fit enuff to get to a checker before me.
Right on time, the door opens and it’s on…With alacrity, I walk the few feet to the muffin case, grab a banana nut muffin, present it to the checker, and pay for it…I glance to my right at the other checker and she’s getting cigarettes for some hapless loser as my checker is ringing me up, so it’s official: ol’ Sparrow is the first customer…I get a receipt, too, in case History ever demands an account of this historic day, and the receipt shows the first purchase came 47 seconds after opening…I even got a coupon for a complimentary breakfast sandwich…I had a funny thought of taping a pic of a burrito on there and trying to pass it off at the Mexican joint in the next county, but I probably won’t do that.
Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 1730 Wednesday until 0130 Thursday…7.0 hours for the night and 25.5 hours for the week…For one of the few times in recent memory, there wasn’t any getting up to use the can.
The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.
It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.
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