The Bottom Ten/NCAA Bowl Game Edition
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Tis the season.
There are 37 bowl games that do not involve the College Football Playoff this year, meaning there are 37 meaningless exhibitions – played everywhere from frozen baseball stadiums to West Indies’ track stadiums – competing for your time this holiday season.
The good news, we suppose, is there are a Special Olympics-esque 26 bowl games that feature two (2) teams with winning records.
The final NCAA Bottom Ten survey will move next week.
This year’s mess:
1. Bahamas Bowl
Details: Friday, December 20; Thomas Robinson Stadium, Nassau, The Bahamas
Teams: Buffalo (7-5) vs Charlotte (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: Game is sponsored by Elk Grove Village, Illinois and you are curious as to why a town in goddamn Illinois would sponsor a bowl game played off the coast of Florida.
Reasons Not To Watch: Thomas Robinson Stadium retains coveted B-10 Contractors Cup, issued to worst facility to host bowl game, as 50-yard line seats still 130 feet away from field, behind running track, detention area for opposition leaders.
Bottom Line: With average attendance for this game less than 14,000 “fans”, a track meet between Buffalo and Charlotte would probably draw more people.
2. Cure Bowl
Details: Saturday, December 21; Exploria Stadium, Orlando, Florida
Teams: Liberty (7-5) vs Georgia Southern (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: The in-laws are visiting and you’ve been drinking and you’re wondering if the Cure Bowl has a cure for your hangover…It’s the first bowl game for Liberty, a conservative, Christian school, and you’re wondering what The Big Guy has planned for halftime.
Reasons Not To Watch: The in-laws are visiting and you’d rather listen to their yapping than watch this crap.
Bottom Line: Both teams beat New Mexico State, with B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this means nothing whatsoever.
3. Camellia Bowl
Details: Saturday, December 21; Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Alabama
Teams: Florida International (6-6) vs Arkansas State (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: You’re curious to see how a team that ranked 97th in Total Offense (Florida International) will do against a team that ranked 127th in Total Defense (Arkansas State).
Reasons Not To Watch: You’re not very curious to see how a team that ranked 97th in Total Offense (Florida International) will do against a team that ranked 127th in Total Defense (Arkansas State).
Bottom Line: Stadium named after dude who donated land for stadium site, game named after Alabama state flower.
4. Military Bowl
Details: Friday, December 27; Navy-Marine Corps Stadium, Annapolis, Maryland
Teams: North Carolina (6-6) vs Temple (8-4)
Reasons To Watch: You’re a long-time B-10 fan with fond memories of Temple’s B-10 glory days and wonder what it would be like to see them play a game while actually having a winning record…Sponsored by Northrop Grumman, you bought a military-grade weapons radar system for your yacht and are wondering about warranty information.
Reasons Not To Watch: With no service academy playing, and to give squads some idea of what combat is like, final ten-yards before each end zone to be rigged with land mines.
Bottom Line: Game so lowly bowl-eligible Navy didn’t even want to play in it, even though it’s held in its own stadium.
5. New Mexico Bowl
Details: Saturday, December 21; Dreamstyle Stadium, Albuquerque, New Mexico
Teams: Central Michigan (8-5) vs San Diego State (9-3)
Reasons To Watch: You’re wondering how many fans the new border wall will keep away…You want to see what the New Mexicans are up to.
Reasons Not To Watch: It’s time to shovel snow…The snow tires need to be put on…Some terrorists are at the door and want to take you hostage.
Bottom Line: Both Aztecs, Chippewas making first appearance at game, with both teams immediately looking to switch to conferences that do not have tie-ins with this game.
6. Hawaii Bowl
Details: Tuesday, December 24; Aloha Stadium, Honolulu
Teams: BYU (7-5) vs Hawaii (9-5)
Reasons To Watch: It’s Christmas Eve night and you worship Satan and there’s nothing better to do.
Reasons Not To Watch: It’s Christmas Eve night and family is over and you’re opening presents and playing with kids and crap.
Bottom Line: Traditionally one of the least attended bowl games because it’s played in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s always fun to see the lengths cameramen will go to not show 40,000 empty seats.
7. Pinstripe Bowl
Details: Friday, December 27; Yankee Stadium, New York City.
Teams: Michigan State (6-6) vs Wake Forest (8-4)
Reasons To Watch: First-ever meeting between two schools and you’re wondering if you’ll be able to throw the records out for this one.
Reasons Not To Watch: Could be worst game of bowl season, as Michigan State finished strong, losing five (5) of last seven (7) while Wake Forest lost three (3) of last four (4).
Bottom Line: Runner-up for the B-10 Contractors Cup – issued to worst facility hosting a bowl game – Yankee Stadium has some of the worst seats in football history with closest seat between 30-yard lines a mere 66-feet away.
8. Cheez-It Bowl
Details: Friday, December 27; Chase Field, Phoenix
Teams: Washington State (6-6) vs Air Force (10-2)
Reasons To Watch: You’re a bowl purist and you want to see if midfield logo will display original flavor Cheez-It logo or highlight new Reduced Fat, Extra Crispy Tequila/Menthol offering.
Reasons Not To Watch: You’re a bowl purist and you don’t want to see end zones painted with nutrition labels, bar codes.
Bottom Line: Only bowl game named after snack cracker since folding of Chicken in a Biskit Bowl.
9. Armed Forces Bowl
Details: Saturday, January 4, 2012; Amon G Carter Stadium, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas
Teams: Tulane (6-6) vs Southern Mississippi (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: To better prepare yourself for bowl games ending in March, you’re willing to watch this lousy bowl games played after New Year’s Day…You’re an old school C-USA fan and you’re wondering if this meeting between former old rivals will be an official Battle of the Bell.
Reasons Not To Watch: Lockheed Martin sponsors the game and you bought one of their attack helicopters last year and you’re not happy with it because it’s always in the shop for repairs.
Bottom Line: With NFL playoffs beginning that day, ESPN thinking of farming game out to sister network ESPN729 and airing AWA wrestling reruns instead.
10. Amos Alonzo-Stagg Bowl
Details: The NCAA Division III National Championship Game, Friday, December 20; Woodforest Bank Stadium, Shenandoah, Texas
Teams: St John’s (12-1)/Wisconsin-Whitewater (12-10) vs North Central (12-1)/Muhlenberg (13-0)
Reasons To Watch: A real, NCAA national championship football game, which concludes a 32-team playoff played by real college kids taking real classes who must balance school, football, scamming chicks.
Reasons Not To Watch: There is no reason not to watch this game.
Bottom Line: Stagg Bowl will not include Mount Union for only the second time since 2004.
