The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
And they’re off!
Or will be here in a week or so, as the race for the most coveted trophy in sports – The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten excellence – begins its 2024 slog.
Losses, of course, are key, but Bottom Ten pollsters “strongly suspect” that the race for The Dan Henning Trophy will be so close that not only will the sheer number of losses be important, but the quality of those losses will be important, too.
This week’s mess, as the nags preen in front of the starting gate:
1. Carolina Panthers – Meddlesome owner???…Check…Young quarterback coming off disastrous rookie campaign???…Check…Throw in experience from the 2023 title run, and Panthers are all in for B-10 title repeat…Next Loss: at New Orleans
2. New England Patriots (0-0; lost to) – Patriots – fresh off 2023 B-10 medal stand finish and finally rid of Hall of Fame coach – are all in for 2024 B-10 title run…Opening Loss: at Cincinnati
3. Washington Commanders – Commanders runner-up finish last year was best B-10 finish ever…Commanders enter 2024 with high hopes, looking to use current league-best eight (8)-game skid as impetus for B-10 title run…Next Loss: at Tampa Bay
4. Arizona Cardinals – Though past two (2) drafts have been prety good, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” franchise’s long history of mediocrity more than enough to ensure – if not a B-10 medal stand finish – at least a strong Top 10 run…Next Loss: at Buffalo
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – 2020 B-10 champions, Jaguars are coming off consecutive winning seasons, leading owner Genghis Khan to again threaten beheadings if team is not in B-10 title hund in 2024…Next Loss: at Miami
6. Cleveland Browns – Curious 2023 season saw Browns actually make playoffs…They lost in first round, of course, but B-10 fan(s) everywhere wondering if Browns can revert to form that saw them finish third or fourth in AFC South every year from 2008-22…Next Loss: Dallas
7. New York Giants – Giants showed long-term commitment to B-10 excellence by declining to draft quarterback, and generally average roster should be enough to keep squad within striking distance of weekly B-10 survey…Next Loss: Minnesota
8. Denver Broncos – Another year, another starting quarterback for team looking for B-10 breakthrough in 2024…Playing in division with Chiefs, improved Chargers, should be enough to stifle even the most optimistic hopes of more than a handful of wins…Next Loss: Seattle
9. AFC West – Preseason pick for Marv Levy Broach, issued to AFC’s worst division, after producing three (3) teams with losing records in 2023.
10. NFC East – Only division with two (2) teams in preseason survey, NFC East easy pick for preseason Ray Malavasi Pin, symbolic of NFC divisional lousiness.
Opening Week Clash of the Titans: Seattle at Denver
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Washington at Tampa Bay
