The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
And they’re off!
The chase for the ESPNCup begins, with teams so hell-bent of Bottom Ten glory two (2) teams already have losses in the books, with everybody else chomping at the bit to secure their place on the Bottom Ten’s patented TitleTrak Radar. .
Can Kent State repeat against what is probably the deepest Bottom Ten field in recent memory? Can Navy earn a fourth-straight Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness? Will a team not ranked this week come from out of nowhere to claim their share of Bottom Ten glory?
We have no idea, either.
The Week 1 mess:
1. New Mexico (0-1; lost to Montana State 35-31)
Mitigating Factors: Lobos, out to prove 2024’s four (4)-win campaign was a total fluke, open with strong home loss to lower-level team…Lobos show strong finishing kick required for B-10 glory, getting outscored 21-0 in final quarter…Special teams off to strong start, with Lobos missing two (2) second-half field goals.
The Defense Rests: Lobos already ranking Dead Last in Total Defense, Rushing Defense, and Scoring Defense.
Next Loss: at Arizona
2. Nevada (0-1; lost to SMU 29-24)
Mitigating Factors: Wolf Pack showing they can finish strong, too, getting outscored 16-0 in fourth quarter…Nevada has work cut out for them this year, as trip to Hawaii allows them to play 13 regular season games, making running the B-10 table particularly difficult…Nevada making strong pitch for B-10 Team of the Decade honors, having lost five (5) straight and 19-of-25.
FunFact: Wolf Pack must avoid frightful two (2)-game-winning skids that knocked them from B-10 medal stand contention in the past two (2) seasons.
Next Loss: at Troy
3. Kent State (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions out for two-peat in 2024, as only 2023 win came against lower-level school…Manageable non-conference schedule should see Golden Flashes no worse than 1-4 heading into minefield that promises to be MAC conference play this year, where in any given week any MAC team could lose to any other.
Long Term Planning Department: With three (3) one (1)-win seasons and a B-10 title this century, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Golden Flashes will be strong B-10 Team of the Century candidates come 2099.
Opening Loss: at Pitt
4. Vanderbilt (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores still smarting from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as fall practice lacks continuity as Glee Club members playing defense made teammates sing hybrid song “I’d Like To Teach the World To Jump Offisdes instead of working with tackling dummies.
FunFact: Commodore staffers already scoping out airports, hotels, in Pullman and Corvallis for when SEC discards them to form SEC/Big Ten super conference.
Next Loss: Virginia Tech
5. Louisiana-Famous Dead Person (UL-Monroe 0-0; UL-Lafayette 0-0)
Mitigating Factors: UL-M out for blood in 2024, after outstanding 2023 B-10 run that saw them earn B-10 medal stand berth and the Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win…UL-L, coming off consecutive 5-7 seasons, will need to do its part to keep hilarious joint entry in survey all season.
FunFact: As always, season-ending meeting will be for Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football lousiness.
Opening Losses: Ul-M: Jackson State; UL-L: Grambling
6. Army (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: While win over Navy last year prevented Black Knights of Confusion from earning Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – team hoping losses to UL-Monroe and UMess provide impetus to propel them to 2024 B-10 glory…Cadets sure to be hampered by latest Army secretary ruling requiring team to have guidons carrying team flag during power sweeps in 2024.
Strong Finishing Kick: Cadets another team that brings it in fourth quarter, getting out 88-54 in fourth quarter last season.
Next Loss: Lehigh
7. Akron (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: With only 2023 wins coming against lover-level team and defending B-10 champions Kent State – essentillly two (2) lower-level teams – Zips looking to overcome hump and return to 2019 form that saw them run table and win B-10 title.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Week 1 smackdown against Ohio State could set tone for Zips running table in 2024.
Next Loss: at Ohio State
8. Fort Lewis (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: D-II Skyhawks carry Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – into 2024 with 39 straight losses…Current streak tied for fourth in Division II, with another 0-11 campaign putting them within three (3) losses of Lock Haven’s all-time D-II mark of 52, from 2008-12.
FunFact: Lincoln Univeristy in Jefferson City, Missouri – losers of 37 straight – have polishing cloths standing by should Skyhawks, somehow, win.
Next Loss: William Jewell College
9. UMess (0-0)
Mitigating Factors: A B-10 perennial since resuming major division football in 2012, Minutemen looking to shed Worst Team to Never Win Full Season B-10 Title tag in 2024.
FunFact: The only independent team in Week 1 survey, Minutemen have five (5) games against SEC teams and three against MAC teams…B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” they have no idea what this means.
Next Loss: Eastern Michigan
10. SEC. Big Ten, Big 12, ACC
Mitigating Factors: Preseason B-10 Conference of the Year selections, with Power 4 conferences joining NCAA, Congress, as US institutions that are simultaneously pimp, whores, and johns…With players (finally) getting paid, every element – conferences, schools, coaches, players, networks – now out merely to strafe you and me for every last possible dollar.
FunFact: Flush with power now, SEC, Big Ten looking to form political parties in time to influence next federal election cycle.
Next Loss: Whatever remains of their soul.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Eastern Michigan at UMess
Ritual Slaughter of the Week: Akron at Ohio State
