As always, the final Bottom Ten of the season is offered the compliments of your Bottom Ten pollsters.
The Bottom Ten/Best Of 2021
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Friends, we’re glad you made it this far. We say this every year because it’s true: if you enjoyed reading The Bottom Ten half as much as we enjoyed producing it, you enjoyed it an awful lot.
See you next year. Thank you for reading.
Editor’s Note: lines are offered in chronological order.
Kansas – With Texas and Oklahoma set to join SEC, Kansas fan(s) nervous, left to wonder where else they are going to find two (2) guaranteed losses every season…
Duke – B-10 fan(s) everywhere circling 9/18 on calendars as Bleu Devils playing in annual B-10 Heritage Classic vs B-10 Hall of Fame laureates Northwestern.
MAC – Conference ticket offices busy laying off people as MAC teams expect even fewer people in stands than last year’s average attendance of 17 fans per game.
Vanderbilt – Commodores still reeling from turn of century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Biology Club members – interested in stopping spread of COVID – requiring defenders to give opposing ball carriers nasal swabs before tackling them…
Jacksonville Jaguars – Owner Ghengis Khan reportedly hiring off-duty ISIS agents as assistant coaches to ensure team retains focus required to go winless in 2021…
Canadian Football League – B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” classic line about league groundskeepers being on probation for continuing to put two (2) 50-yard lines on field still “like, pretty funny and stuff”…
Vanderbilt – Commodores still reeling from turn of century decision to combine Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Glee Club singers pulling football play-calling duties send plays in by singing in the round causing NCAA record 63 delay of game penalties.
Louisiana-Monroe – UL-M student union – hoping to avoid distractions of B-10 title run during finals – has forced team to play four (4) of final five (5) games on road.
Pac-12 – With current conference talent level, conference officials privately wondering if teams will be able to rebound for strong .500 mark in conference play.
Navy – Navy hampered by pregame Navy Secretary speech urging defense to “not tackle until you see the backs of their jerseys”…
Navy – Midshipmen hindered by pregame Navy Secretary ruling requiring team – to best honor 9/11 victims – to play entire game in first responder gear, resulting in NCAA record 9,335 penalty yards for using axes to block, tackle.
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, team trainers pointing to pregame meals of hotdish, Jello mold as not providing required calories for extended effort on football field…
UNLV – With home games now played at new NFL stadium, Rebels not only tarping over seats, but considering tarping over field so embarrassment of actually playing games can be avoided…
Navy – Midshipmen didn’t play this past weekend but ranked so B-10 pollsters could get mileage out of moderately funny line about Middies being on patented B-10 TitleTrak Sonar before they forgot it…
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, coaching staff starting to suspect that pregame meals of unleavened bread, lutefisk, not providing required nutrition for afternoon on gridiron.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Owner Ghengis Khan authorizes Jaguars’ ruling council to start plans for special high holy day celebration should, when, Jaguars tie NFL’s all-time losing streak mark of 29 in Week 15…
Gotham City – Giants, Jets combine for first NYC combined medal stand entry since NY Table Dancers, NY Thongs combined for top spot in 1963 Strippers Football League (SFL) survey…
Arizona – Wildcats looking for first consecutive winless seasons since 1908-09 Territorial League squads went winless against Tijuana Tech, Yuma State, Universidad de Tecate and Navajo A&M.
UMess – Luster quickly coming off Parents Weekend, as all parents requesting admission to witness protection program before arriving on campus.
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, coaching staff starting to “strongly suspect” player pregame access to communion wine will not be a key to victory in 2021.
Detroit Lions – Even Lions fan(s) shocked at loss on NFL record 66-yard field goal that hits crossbar before falling over…
UMess – Minutemen shut out until 4th-quarter TD against interns from Akron’s Rubber Studies Institute filling in on final few drives…
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, coaching staff thinking of replacing stern verbal warnings with old Catholic trick of selling indulgences to overlook turnovers, missed blocks.
Houston Texans – Texans prove old NFL adage that on any given Sunday any AFC South team can get blown out on the road, earning Close But No Cigar Award as NFL’s worst victoried team…
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, team issued rare pregame delay of game penalty after argument about whether or not to put peas in pregame tuna hot dish meal extended past start of game.
Arizona – Apparently marking time until basketball season, athletic website running stories on everything but intramural poetry readings.
UNLV – Hoping to avoid future near-misses, Rebels cut rebellious running back who had nerve to score three (3) touchdowns, with boosters agreeing to pick up tab for him to attend crap dealers school.
UConn – Game bores even staid New Englanders with 21 punts, 16 penalties.
Miami Dolphins – Biggest mover in survey, proving old B-10 adage that you snap Jacksonville’s 20-game losing streak in London, you get on B-10 medal stand, it’s that simple…
NFL London Games – Queen Elizabeth threatening to revoke Treaty of Paris that ended Revolution unless colonies agree to stop sending lousy teams across pond as four (4) teams that have played in England this year currently have combined 5-17 record.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Jaguar’s owner Genghis Khan again threatening beheadings as defending B-10 champions now just another one (1)-win team that can’t convert on 3rd-down…
Thiel College – Rough day for Tomcats began at coin toss when captains discovered “fleeing” wasn’t an option.
Kansas – Alumni so energized by near win stadium remodel plans upgraded from new hibachi on east concourse to new covering for Mac’s Taquito Tent.
Seattle Seahawks – With only wins coming against 49ers and then-lousy Colts, Seahawk fan(s) muttering to selves that B-10 glory has been there for the taking all year long…
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, current misfortunes being blamed on – to better honor Martin Luther on Reformation Day – cutting holes in tops of helmets to emulate Luther’s haircut, resulting in entire team being in concussion protocol by halftime.
Houston Texans – Game not as close as score indicated, as Texans actually trailed 38-0 before Rams – under NFL’s new immediate activation policy – put some concession workers in on defense in 4th-quarter…
Jacksonville Jaguars – With last two (2) games played in London, Seattle, Jaguar owner Genghis Khan hopes to continue world tour by scheduling next game in Mecca…
Cincinnati Bengals – Five (5)-win teams rare in B-10, but longtime B-10 stalwarts again prove old NFL adage that on any given Sunday Cincinnati is capable of heralding to world they are back in B-10 hunt…
Kansas – With Jayahwks expected to be in B-10 contention for many years to come, athletic department considering dropping plan to lower field and install new seating in order to keep fans as far away from action as possible.
Thiel College – A Lutheran school, coaching staff fears player’s Lutheran-esque habit of saying “go in peace, serve the Lord” before every tackle taking away edge required in sport that involves hitting fellow human beings.
Miami Dolphins – Dolphins prove old NFL adage that on any given Sunday pretty much anyone can smack around the Houston Texans…
Vanderbilt – Commodores still reeling from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as ROTC members taking over kicking duties replace footballs with mortars, resulting in NCAA-record 13 illegal use of explosives penalties.
Duke – Coaching staff to really stress fundamentals of blown assignments and missing tackles this week, as defense only 1.2 inches away from giving up an average of 500 yards per game.
UMess – Nobody offering easier access to end zone in 2021, as UMess ranks Dead Last in Scoring Defense (43.0 ppg)
Chicago at Detroit – Game expected to be so lousy Congress thinking of moving holiday to July so no one has to watch the Lions on Thanksgiving anymore…
Duke’s Mayo Bowl – You’re curious as to why Duke University diversified into sandwich spreads…
Armed Forces Bowl – With Lockheed-Martin still title sponsor, you want to see if warranty on target acquisition system you bought to shoot down neighbor’s drones is still valid…
Jacksonville Jaguars – While fatwa against coaching staff suspended, Khan still holding coaches’ kids hostage to ensure top effort in stretch run…
Detroit Lions – B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Lions first team in NFL history to start season 1-10-1…
FBS Independents – First not real conference to win coveted B-10 Conference of the Year award since Confederación de Escuelas Mexicanos – Tijuana Tech, Baja California A&M, Acapulco State – took Conference of Year honors in 1957.
Indiana – With losses at both Michigan and Penn State, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Hoosiers set some kind of mark for Highest Average Attendance Per Loss.
Akron – With losses in 29 of last 32 games and a B-10 title in hand, Zips can make big pitch for B-10 Team of Quarter Decade honors by losing out for next four (4) years.
New York Giants – Though still not even worst team in Big Apple, Giants save face by earning inaugural Roger Goodell Tie Clasp, issued highest-ranked B-10 entry still in playoff contention…
Carolina Panthers – Panthers earn coveted B-10 Cinco de Mayo Award for having longest losing streak amongst NFL’s five (5) win teams…
Carolina Panthers – Panthers give clinic in how blowout, late-season loss to defending Super Bowl champions can enhance B-10 chances with blowout, late-season loss to defending Super Bowl champions …
Jacksonville Jaguars – Still though, staff members keeping swords sharp for mandatory beheadings should Jaguars win finale…
Washington Whatevers – With new logo coming next month, B-10 pollsters considered reissuing moderately funny line about putting play diagrams on helmets instead of numbers, but decided not to…
Baltimore Ravens – Ravens earn Rich Kotite Award – issued to team with longest losing streak amongst teams still, somehow, in NFL playoff hunt – with current, hot five (5)-game skid…
Baltimore Ravens – Ravens earn first-ever ConstructionDigest.com Award – issued to team with best collapse in a season – as Ravens went from barely needing to break sweat to clinch playoff spot to losing last six (6) games and missing playoffs.
