The Bottom Ten/NCAA Final
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
The big question Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere had heading into 2021 was whether or not any of the seven (7) defending ESPNCup champions would be able to put the chaos of 2020 behind them and repeat in 2021.
Now we know: hello Florida International, as the Golden Panthers run the table after winning their opener to take not only top Bottom Ten honors, but the Tostitos Plaque – issued to the team with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – as well.
The season’s final fiasco:
Editor’s Note: there were seven (7) Bottom Ten champions in 2021. All of them are referred to as defending champions.
1. Florida International (1-11)
Mitigating Factors: Long losing streak???…Check…Blowout losses???…Check…Character building OT loss???…Check and triple check as Golden Panthers sashay into B-10 Hall of Fame with second consecutive B-10 title…Current eleven (11)-game skid best in nation and best since iconic 2007 lost eleven (11) straight by blowing B-10 title with win in final game.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Panthers “like, you know, the first team in a really long time and stuff” to also earn Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – in same season they earn B-10 title.
2022 Outlook: Strong, as team expected to be highly motivated to become first team ever to win three (3) consecutive B-10 titles.
2. UConn (1-11)
Mitigating Factors: Despite strong strength-of-schedule points for UMess, Vanderbilt losses, Huskies forced to settle for B-10 runner-up as mid-season win over future bosses from Yale prevents table-running campaign…Huskies scored fewest points amongst 2021 B-10 laureates, as 15.6 points per game good for Next-To-Dead-Last national ranking.
FunFact: Despite B-10 title heartbreak, Huskies can still hold heads at B-10 awards banquet as UMess loss earned them John Adams Spitoon – symbolic of Yankee football lousiness.
2022 Outlook: Not too shabby as Huskies – making big pitch for B-10 Team of the Quarter Century honors – will be all in for B-10 title run.
3. UMess (1-11)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions settle for coveted spot on B-10 medal stand as only win over UConn prevented another title run…UMess fan(s) filing official protest over final ranking, citing two (2) wins over MAC teams, two (2) wins over lower level as reasons higher ranking should have been warranted.
FunFact: With Minutemen having not produced winning season as major division program since 1902 squad finished 5-2-1, AD looking to reschedule Wesleyan, Wooster Tech and Tufts for 2022.
2022 Outlook: Solid, as team continues to get players neither good enough nor smart enough to play at area Ivy League schools.
4. Vanderbilt (2-10)
Mitigating Factors: Historically strong finishers, Commodores sign-off 2021 with seven (7)-game losing skid…Vanderbilt still reeling from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as music students hired as quality control assistants demand band add musical score to every play, resulting in NCAA season-record 793 delay of game penalties as audibles could not be heard.
FunFact: Current 21-game SEC losing skid best conference losing streak in country.
2022 Outlook: Good, but team will have to improve on 2021 mark of only ranking 120th or worse in five (5) official NCAA stat categories.
5. Thiel College (0-10)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Tomcats earn second straight Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – with 37-game skid…Long-term planning key for Tomcats, as 0-10 finish in 2022 will put them six (6) losses away from all-time D-III mark of 53 consecutive losses by Earlham, which – their work done – shutdown its program after triumphant 2019 season.
FunFact: Should Tomcats stumble and win a game, D-III Finlandia University in Michigan with 30 consecutive losses standing by to take charge.
2022 Outlook: Not good, as Lutheran school’s plan of recruiting evil Catholics, atheists could result in wins.
6. FBS Independents
Mitigating Factors: With two (2) teams in final survey – and with MAC curiously strong – FBS Independents easy pick for coveted B-10 Conference of the Year Award…First not real conference to win coveted B-10 Conference of the Year award since Confederación de Escuelas Mexicanos – Tijuana Tech, Baja California A&M, Acapulco State – took Conference of Year honors in 1957.
FunFact: There was nothing fun associated with FBS independents this year.
2022 Outlook: With UMess, UConn expected to be granted B-10 legacy status during offseason, FBS Independents could be force to be reckoned with in future.
7. Army (8-4; lost to Navy 17-14)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion shock football world, earning Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with shocking upset loss to defending Sgt Bilko Trophy holders Navy…Army hampered by pregame defense secretary ruling requiring Cadets to actually be better than Navy to earn victory.
FunFact: Once a lock for annual B-10 service academy honors, this Army’s first Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – since 2019.
2022 Outlook: Army fan(s) everywhere hoping momentum from 2022 can be used as head of steam for strong 2022 B-10 run.
8. Indiana (2-10)
Mitigating Factors: With consecutive bowl games in 2019-20 safely in rearview mirror, Hoosier fan(s) looking to return to consistency that has produced 17 losing seasons this century…Current eight (8)-game skid best amongst nation’s two (2)-win teams…Historically lousy Hoosiers haven’t appeared Rose Bowl since 1967 when OJ Simpson slashed way through defense for 128 rushing yards.
FunFact: With losses at both Michigan and Penn State, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Hoosiers set some kind of mark for Highest Average Attendance Per Loss.
2022 Outlook: A B-10 Legacy Team, Hoosiers will be looking to shed Worst Team Never to Win B-10 title award in 2022.
9. Akron (2-10)
Mitigating Factors: 2019 B-10 champs, Zips save face for usually-strong MAC as conference’s only entry in final survey…Only blemishes were win over lower-level team, Bowling Green…With losses in 29 of last 32 games and a B-10 title in hand, Zips can make big pitch for B-10 Team of Quarter Decade honors by losing out for next four (4) years.
FunFact: Consistent Zips ranked 126th in both Red Zone Offense and Red Zone Defense.
2022 Outlook: Though B-10 pollsters are still consulting bar tabs in the matter, Zips could be consensus preseason B-10 #1 in 2022.
10. Duke (3-9)
Mitigating Factors: Despite running table in ACC play, pesky early season three (3)-game win skid keeps Bleu Devils – the B-10 Team of the Decade for the Double Aughts – from earning higher final B-10 ranking…Defense showed way to B-10 glory in 2021, with Bleu Devils ranking Dead Last in Total Defense, giving up 517.9 yards per game.
FunFact: Season not total loss for Duke, as team earns initial, soon-to-be-coveted Threesome Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak in three (3)-win season.
2022: Uncertain, as Bleu Devils in need of soul searching to see if they have what it takes to win second B-10 Team of the Decade award.
Programming Note: while this concluded the NCAA Bottom Ten for 2021, there’s still plenty of NFL Bottom Ten action still to go, plus the year end Best of 2021 column. Thank you for reading. – gk
