The NCAA Bowl Game Edition is with our compliments this year. Enjoy.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Bowl Game Edition
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Tis the season and the numbers don’t lie: 84 teams, most with winning records. 42 games, including one added – in classic Special Olympics fashion – last week so every average six (6)-win team will have a game to play in.
And Bottom Ten pollsters are already declaring December 29 as the new Day That Will Live in Infamy, as no less than four bowl games – each a meaningless exhibition – will be played, including three involving unranked teams and two played in freezing baseball stadiums.
Editor’s Note: The final NCAA Bottom Ten of the season – and the awarding of the ESPNCup, Tostitos Plaque and Sgt Bilko Trophy – will move next week.
This year’s fiasco:
1. Fenway Bowl
Details: Wednesday, December 29; Fenway Park, Boston
Teams: Virginia (6-6) vs SMU (8-4)
Reasons To Watch: You want to see pregame long-snapper competition where hikers from each team try to snap ball over Green Monster…You want to see first meeting ever between college founded by former US president and school whose football programs was shut down for two years in 1980s.
Reasons Not To Watch: With anticipated high of about freezing, you’ll watch your nephews play in the yard if you want to watch dropped passes in cold weather…Both teams on a roll, having combined to lose eight (8) out of nine (9).
Bottom Line: Easy pick for B-10 Bowl Game of the Year, as inaugural edition takes both Architectural Digest Award for Worst Bowl Game Venue and Frosty the Snowman Award for Cold Weather Bowl of the Year.
2. Duke’s Mayo Bowl
Details: Thursday, December 30; Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina
Teams: North Carolina (6-6) vs South Carolina (6-6)
Reasons To Watch: You’re curious as to why Duke University diversified into sandwich spreads…The whole year has sucked anyway, why not add to the torment by watching two (2) average teams play in a half-empty stadium???
Reasons Not To Watch: This whole year sucked anyway, why add to the torment???…You’re a confirmed Best Foods/Hellman’s mayonnaise fan and don’t want to help the competition.
Bottom Line: Game used to be known as Belk Bowl, Meineke Car Care Bowl, Queen City Bowl, Lamont’s Friendly Crack Whores Bowl.
3. Pinstripe Bowl
Details: Wednesday, December 29; Yankee Stadium, New York City.
Teams: Virginia Tech (6-6) vs Maryland (6-6)
Reasons To Watch: A history buff, you want to see who will win first neutral site meeting between Hokies and Terrapins since 1948…Still in partial coma from Christmas dinner, you figure maybe this will perk you up a bit, though deep down you know it will only depress you further.
Reasons Not To Watch: By this time you’ve already seen enough .500 teams play that two (2) more won’t enhance your appreciation of missed tackles, false starts any.
Bottom Line: Organizers – peeved at losing worst bowl venue designation to evil Fenway Bowl – vow to build even worse seats by digging trenches behind team benches.
4. Cheez-It Bowl
Details: Wednesday, December 29; Camping World Stadium, Orlando
Teams: Clemson (9-3) vs Iowa State (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: You’re wondering which brand of Cheez-Its will be displayed on midfield logo, Original or Extra Toasty, Regular or Grooved.
Reasons Not To Watch: Your wife wants to bitch about something…Your IRS audit is scheduled for today…You’re having some dental work done.
Bottom Line: Confusion inevitable, as Cheez-Its Bowl used to be played in Phoenix baseball stadium until 2019.
5. Alamo Bowl
Details: Wednesday, December 29; Alamodome, San Antonio
Teams: Oklahoma (10-2) vs Oregon (10-3)
Reasons To Watch: It’s the first bowl of the season between two (2) ranked teams and you want to bone up on decent football before the CFP begins…You watched the first three (3) games of the day and you still have brain cells left to kill.
Reasons Not To Watch: You’ve seen enough football and accede to your wife’s demand you check out what’s shaking on the Hallmark Channel.
Bottom Line: Should actually be a pretty good game and leave us wondering why this game isn’t a quarterfinal matchup in a real NCAA Division I playoff.
6. Sun Bowl
Details: Friday, December 31; Sun Bowl Stadium, El Paso
Teams: Washington State (7-5) vs Miami (7-5)
Reasons To Watch: With Tony the Tiger the title sponsor, you’re curious to see how sugar high resulting from mandatory pregame meals of five (5) boxes of Frosted Flakes affects play.
Reasons Not To Watch: You didn’t really care about these team’s previous Sun Bowl meeting in 2015, and six years has hardly piqued your interest…Fans contractually obligated to yell “They’re great!” after favorite team scores touchdown.
Bottom Line: The Sun Bowl is actually the second-oldest bowl game, tied with Orange and Sugar bowls with a January 1, 1935 start.
7. Hawaii Bowl
Details: Friday, December 24; Clarence Ching Athletic Complex, Honolulu
Teams: Memphis (6-6) vs Hawaii (6-7)
Reasons To Watch: You absolutely cannot miss only bowl game of season featuring team with losing record…You want to see if Hawaii can become first team ever to finish 6-8 with loss at home to team from city where Elvis died.
Reasons Not To Watch: It’s Christmas Eve night for Christ’s sake…You have nothing better to do, like worship the baby Jesus or open presents with your kids???
Bottom Line: With Aloha Stadium closed, game to be played at on-campus soccer/beach volleyball facility that seats 9,000, which means fans watching on TV will only be able to see 8,000 empty seats instead of usual 50,000 empty seats.
8. Armed Forces Bowl
Details: Wednesday, December 22; Amon G Carter Stadium, Fort Worth
Teams: Army (8-3) vs Missouri (6-6)
Reasons To Watch: With Lockheed-Martin still title sponsor, you want to see if warranty on target acquisition system you bought to shoot down neighbor’s drones is still valid…It’s still relatively early in the bowl season, and you haven’t seen enough 6-6 teams play yet.
Reasons Not To Watch: It’s still relatively early in the bowl season, and if you miss this 6-6 team, there are still plenty more to come.
Bottom Line: With Missouri a bunch of socialists anyway, game good opportunity to see how future Army officers will shape up in future battles with ISIS.
9. Military Bowl
Details: Monday, December 27; Navy-Marine Corps Stadium, Annapolis, Maryland
Teams: East Carolina (7-5) vs Boston College (6-6)
Reasons To Watch: With Peraton new title sponsor, you want to see what kind of deals they have on a new space-based home security system…You haven’t been keeping up on the news and are wondering when East Carolina became a state…You’re a draft-dodger who needs to honor our nation’s servicemen and veterans more than you have in the past.
Reasons Not To Watch: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” you can up with your own reason for skipping this one.
Bottom Line: While this matchup cannot possibly be as exciting as 2012 San Jose State/Bowling Green game, organizers hoping distribution of hand warmers will help increase attendance.
10. Amos Alonzo-Stagg Bowl
Details: December 17 or 18; Hall of Fame Stadium, Canton, Ohio
Teams: Mary Hardin-Baylor/Wisconsin-Whitewater vs Mount Union/North Central (Ill.)
Reasons To Watch: Stagg Bowl culminates annual 32-team NCAA Division III playoff…Four semifinalists have combined to win 21 national championships.
Reasons Not To Watch: There is no reason not to watch this game, with real student-athletes competing for a genuine NCAA national football championship.
Bottom Line: You can whet your appetite for the Stagg Bowl with this weekend’s national semifinals, as the four teams are a combined 52-0…Go see for yourself what small college football fans have known for years: the D-III playoffs is one of America’s great sporting events.
