It’s Read Free Sunday (RFS) at The Diary. Enjoy.
It’s Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…
Saturday, September 18
Ring the bell!!!…Leash you’re goddamned f*cking dogs!!!
A genius guest was guilty of both infractions this morning and came this close to being taken out back summarily executed.
First, he ignored the bell, which is located prominently enuff on the counter that even Stevie Wonder could find it…I hear him out front and, in accordance with policy, was prepared to wait him out until he did ring the bell, but right as I was settling in for a long wait a GD effing dog comes sashaying into the back office.
Oh, I don’t like this at all…Officially, I “tolerate” dogs, but over the years I’ve learned a healthy respect for loose dogs that I don’t know and one running around the front desk was not good…I go out to the front desk and Fido follows me…There’s a guy there with some sundry stand items he wants to buy.
-Sir, could you leash your dog, please???
– Oh, he’s OK, he’s just curious.
This was not an appropriate response…I don’t favor dogs and they somehow sense this, and I’ve long felt any dog was merely waiting for the right moment to kill me.
– Sir, could you leash your dog, please???
Fortunately, he knew this was a reasonable request and didn’t get snitty and the dog was leashed up soon enuff.
NO KNIFE!!!
I am not making this up, either…My normal out-the-door routine was thrown off by a text from my Auntie Norma and after noticing the knife wasn’t on my belt a quick spot check showed neither coffee nor creamer boxes would have to be replaced and I thought I’d gotten away with it but then it came time to make key packets and stick WiFi code stickers in them and it turned out the current key packet box was running low…I’d printed out three sheets of stickers, 90 total, and it looked like we could get thru the process without having to open the new box and it turned out yours truly was right, with a handful of key packets to spare.
Good thing, too, because key packet boxes use a lot of knife to open because it’s not one of those deals where you just slit some tape down the middle because the top is actually a full-sized flap that goes all the way over and is taped shut on three sides and your still not done because the whole thing is hermetically sealed in some super-industrial strength clear wrapping invented on the planet Zortron…I left opening it until tomorrow and made a mental note not to forget the knife this time.
Today yours truly presided over the Legion District 14 fall convention, conveniently located at a post in the outer reaches of the district, a pain in the arse for a graveyard worker but you sign up to be district commander you preside over district meetings, regardless of when and where they are…It was made a lot easier because Hal, the commander of our post in town, and Adjutant Stanko, picked me up and provided ground transportation.
Pastor Sparrow actually led prayer, too…This was because Chaplain Fred sent regrets, which District Commander Sparrow didn’t mind because Fred tended to wing it, which is wonderful if you’re the pope but Fred, who I think is a lay minister, tends to ramble…The Legion Ceremonies Manual, has both opening and closing prayers specified and I merely read those, rather reverently, too, if I do say so myself, despite currently not possessing any religious beliefs.
Ol’ Sparrow got a couple of funnies off, too…Not Line of the Year candidates, but solid lines nonetheless…The first came when State Commander Chip was talking…He has a service dog who was standing post next to me at the head table and he started moving around…Chip was talking about something or another and reached for a baggie of treats to give to his dog…He got one and was feeding it to him when Commander Chip was heard to say “…well, there’s a way to do that.”…The line from District Commander Sparrow:
– With treats?
This got good laffs…Not great laffs, but the laffs you’d expect a solid line like that to earn, especially when issued by the district commander.
The second funny came at the end and was the usual line issued by District Commander Sparrow at the end of meetings…In fact, it goes back to my post commander days:
– Is there any other business to come before this meeting???
The classic Sparrow pause (CSP).
– The desired answer is no.
This is my fifth or sixth term and it might be my last…State Commander Chip noted that the minutes of our April meeting noted that virtually all officers were reelected by acclamation and how we get some fresh meat – er, new blood – up here in District 14 because the state office, while appreciative of my leadership over the years, is desirous of seeing others take command…I am, too, frankly…I really enjoy being district commander and will do it as long as required, but most district commanders only serve one year…Five or six is a lot.
Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 1730 Saturday until 2130 Saturday…4.0 hours for the day and 44.0 hours for the week, a mediocre total, but there were extenuating circumstances, of course.
The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.
It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.
Gaylon’s books can also be found at The Reading Salon.
