The Bottom Ten/2021 Preseason Q&A
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
The Preseason Q&A – perhaps on its way to becoming an American Classic like the Week 2 NFL Interregnum Poll or perhaps not – returns again as college football continues to start a week earlier than it used to.
Q: The hard question: will any defending champion repeat this year?
A: Well, there were seven (7) NCAA Bottom Ten champions last year, so odds are pretty good one of them will repeat. In the NFL, Jacksonville, still radiant after claiming their first Dan Henning Trophy, have set sights high as Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere eager to see exactly how long before #1 draft pick Trevor Lawrence is completely ruined.
Q: Which of your tired, old lines will you be trotting out this year
A: Your Bottom Ten pollsters are “pretty sure” the answer is “like, every one of them and stuff”. From Vanderbilt still smarting from their turn-of-century merging of Athletic and Student affairs departments to service academies being hampered by assorted pregame department secretary rulings to Conference of the Week winners leveling up for .500 conference play marks, B-10 TitleTrak Radar predicts it will be steady as she goes.
Q: Speaking of B-10 TitleTrak Radar, are any opening week matchups showing up?
Of course there are. Your Bottom Ten pollsters take notice anytime B-10 perpetuals New Mexico State and UTEP take the field and not only are both playing this weekend but they are playing each other! Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are already in midseason form anticipating this one, as not only will a medal stand berth be on the line, but key strength-of-schedule points as well, as this might be the only win of the season for the victor.
Q: How are the service academies looking this year?
A: Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know this is always a crapshoot. Navy looks strong fresh off last year’s Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – but watch out for the Black Knights of Confusion because Army – with O-line holes to fill – will be looking to take it back.
Q: Can anyone upend the MAC in the Conference of the Year Race?
A: No, this is not possible. Longtime Bottom Ten fan(s) fondly recall the Sun Belt Conference’s reign of terror, and what the MAC produces year in and year out has them in awe.
Q: Will the Continental Cup return?
A: Of course it will. Issued to the “team” with the longest, current all-division losing streak in NATO, it was suspended last year because the smaller schools didn’t play football. The Cup is currently held by Thiel College in Pennsylvania, a D-III school that has lost 27 straight.
Earlham College – holder of the Continental Cup Emeritus – had lost 53 consecutive games before suspending their program after 2019 and has sent regrets for this season.
Q: The College Football Playoff is considering expanding. Is The Bottom Ten also thinking expansion?
With the bar tabs the Bottom Ten pollsters ring up, an awful lot can be under consideration at any given time. Still though, finding enough funny material for ten (10) teams is tough enough. We don’t want to dilute the product.
Q: Sometimes there isn’t enough funny material for ten (10) teams. Is contraction a possibility?
A: Look, we do the joke(s) here. Don’t even start.
Q: Have the NAFTA requirements for Canadian content expired?
A: No, they remain in effect, and with the current CFL season in progress and the colleges resuming, Bottom Ten pollsters are “pretty sure” there will be a strong Canadian presence this year.
Q: Keeping track of all your lousy awards can be tough. What’s the Bottom Ten hardware lineup for this year?
ESPNCup
Issued annually to NCAA Bottom Ten champion. Used to be known as Walmart Trophy presented by Motel 6.
The Dan Henning Trophy
Issued annually to NFL Bottom Ten champion.
The Tostitos Plaque
Issued to NCAA team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
The Continental Cup
Issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence.
The Sgt Bilko Trophy
Symbolic of service academy lousiness. Retained by previous year’s recipient in case of a tie.
The Jim Hanifan Memorial Medallion
Issued in Week 2 and symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude. Usually issued to a team, but once issued to Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Fro. The ‘Memorial’ was added after Hanifan’s death on Nov 24.
The Pete Rozelle Award
Issued weekly and annually to NFL’s worst division. Can be subdivided into Ray Malavasi Pin (NFC) and Marv Levy Broach (AFC) at need for conference awards.
Conference of the Week/Conference of the Year
Otherwise unnamed award – at least until renamed for the MAC – issued to worst major division college conference. B-10 pollsters considering separate Power 5/Group of 5 awards, though hampered by fact column is Bottom Ten and not Bottom Eleven.
Billy Cannon Certificate
Symbolic of Cajun football lousiness, it is traditionally issued to the loser of the Louisiana-Monroe/Louisiana-Lafayette game. Historically strong Bottom Ten programs, they have at times teamed up to form the hilarious Lousiana-Famous Dead Person entry.
Editor’s Note: The Week 1 NCAA and NFL columns will run next Tuesday and Wednesday.
