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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 12
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are calling this the tightest race for the ESPNCup ever. It’s so tight that deserving teams like Texas State and UNLV need bye weeks from Louisiana-Monroe and Kansas just to make the survey this week, despite the fact they have one (1) win between them and in other years would be looking at B-10 medal stand berths.
Still tho, the road to Bottom Ten glory continues to run through Akron, as the Zips maintain the top spot after extending their already admirably long, nation’s best losing streak to 19 games.
This week’s mess:
Editor’s Note: With most of the lower level schools not playing this year, the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is not being awarded this year.
1. Akron (0-2; lost to Ohio 24-10)
Mitigating Factors: Turnovers key, as two (2) 4th-quarter interceptions stall potential loss-altering drives…19th straight loss ensures team retains COVID Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak amongst teams actually playing games…MAC record book tragically doesn’t feature longest losing streak mark, but B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” 19 is “like right up there and stuff”.
FunFact: Defending B-10 champs grateful non-conference games canceled for 2020, allowing squad to focus on the minefield that typically defines MAC conference play.
Next Loss: at Kent State (11/17)
2. Vanderbilt (0-6; lost to Kentucky 38-35)
Mitigating Factors: Commodore fan(s) nervously sweat this one out as curious, late comeback almost derails B-10 medal stand hopes…Commodores still reeling from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Humanities majors – thinking they were doing extra-credit charity work – secure loss by failing to execute late-game onsides kick.
FunFact: Team staffers happy to announce parents can attend final two (2) home games, but were dismayed to find out none of them wanted to come.
Next Loss: Florida
3. New Mexico (0-3; lost to Nevada 27-20)
Mitigating Factors: Lobos overcome strong early interest by offense to blow 10-0, 13-10 leads…Defense showing way to B-10 glory for Lobos, who rank Dead Last in Passing Yards Allowed (410.3 ypg)…Rushing game typically strong, with three (3) running backs topping magical “double-digit” yard barrier vs Wolfpack.
FunFact: Current twelve game skid second-best in country, and best amongst schools located in states in territory originally won from Mexico in 19th-century war.
Next Loss: at Air Force
4. Texas State (1-9; lost to Georgia State 40-38)
Mitigating Factors: Relative B-10 newcomers, Bobcats get valuable experience blowing close ones in closest loss of 2020…Despite winning in third game of season, Bobcats have lost seven (7) straight and remain in contention for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
FunFact: With only win coming against idle, winless UL-Monroe, Bobcat fan(s) looking forward to more strength-of-schedule points as UL-M racks up more losses.
Next Loss: Arkansas State
5. Eastern Michigan (0-2; lost to Ball State 38-31)
Mitigating Factors: Two (2) losses generally not enough to turn B-10 pollsters heads in November, but former B-10 champions squarely on B-10’s patented TitleTrak Radar thanks to being part of MAC…Not-too-popular hashtag #MACtion now amended to #MACtionExpceptEMU.
FunFact: Hilarious, now-standard 2020 line about how announced crowd of 1,183 being about MAC team would expect even in non-pandemic seasons is issued here.
Next Loss: Toledo (11/18)
6. MAC
Mitigating Factors: Stop us if you’ve heard this before: MAC easy pick for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week based on having 40 percent of survey made up of either conference itself or its teams.
FunFact: MAC showing resilience in tough times as not even COVID can stop conference from producing strong .500 conference play mark.
7. Florida International (0-4; lost to Florida Atlantic 38-19)
Mitigating Factors: Strong finishing kick sees Panthers easily turn 10-10 2nd-quarter tie into another satisfying loss in quest for B-10 medal stand…Panthers 0-4 for first time since 2016 and fourth time this decade, seventh time this century and, well, you get the idea.
FunFact: Classic Total Team Effort (TTE) key to 2020 B-10 run, as Panthers ranked 120th or worse in four (4) categories: two (2) on offense, one (1) on defense and one (1) team category.
Next Loss: at Western Kentucky
8. Bottom Ten Alumni Association (16-0)
Mitigating Factors: Patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar put in reverse mode and almost short-circuits itself when it finds out former B-10 stalwarts San Jose State, Kent State, Indiana, Northwestern and Buffalo are all undefeated…B-10 staffers spend most of week social distancing, passing out crying towels as former B-10 medal stand laureates have combined to win 25 consecutive games.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” collective winning streak for B-10 legacy teams longest since Tijuana Tech, Madrid A&M, Vanderbilt, combined to win 33 straight in 1940s.
9. UNLV (0-4; lost to San Jose State 34-17)
Mitigating Factors: Never too bad and never too good, Rebels back on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar with fourth straight loss…Offense shows cursory early interest with 3-0 lead before defense straps it on, turning lead into workable 24-10 halftime deficit.
FunFact: Lacking name recognition that comes with MAC membership, Rebels cannot afford to slip up, as even one (1) win in tough 2020 B-10 race can derail B-10 medal stand dreams.
Next Loss: at Colorado State
10. Penn State (0-4; lost to Nebraska 30-23)
Mitigating Factors: Nittany Lions staffers busily reading official B-10 welcome packet following clutch road loss in showdown to Huskers…Game not as close as score indicated, with Nittany Lions breaking out to 7-0 and 24-3 deficits…Heady times at Penn State, as football 0-4 for only second time ever, matching accomplishment of vaunted 2001 squad.
FunFact: Nittany Lions cannot get caught looking ahead this week to games with up-and-coming Michigan and always not-too-tough Rutgers if they have any hopes of strong B-10 finish.
Next Loss: Iowa
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Arkansas State at Texas State
You Can Throw Out The Records…: Florida International at Western Kentucky
MAC Thriller of the Week: Eastern Michigan at Toledo
What The Hell’s Going On Here?: UNLV at Colorado State
