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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 11
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Like the playground when the big kids get let out, there’s been a shakeup in the Bottom Ten as defending ESPNCup champion Akron – not to mention the rest of the MAC – kicked off their season last week.
The big news though, is that for the first time in Bottom Ten history, every ranked team is unvictoried. Or at least they think this is the first time it’s happened in Bottom Ten history. Bottom Ten pollsters made some noises about checking the archives, but instead consulted their bar tabs and had another round.
This week’s imbroglio:
Editor’s Note: With most of the lower level schools not playing this year, the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is not being issued this year.
1. Akron (0-1; lost to Western Michigan 58-13)
Mitigating Factors: Concern over whether long layoff would impact defending B-10 champs unfounded, as Zips still aren’t any good, already ranking 120th or worse in four (4) official NCAA stat categories… With loss, Zips wrest COVID Cup – issued team with longest losing streak amongst teams actually playing games – from Kansas with nations-best 18th straight loss.
FunFact: Akron staffers scratching heads, unable to determine if announced crowd of 489 was affected by COVID restrictions or what they would have drawn anyway.
Next Loss: at Ohio (11/10)
2. Vanderbilt (0-4; lost to Mississippi State 24-17)
Mitigating Factors: Offense getting smiley face on playbooks for being accommodating guests, turning ball over four (4) times…Defense taken out back for whoopin’ after only giving up 14 points off these turnovers, as coaching staff knows this will be key down B-10 homestretch…Commodores 0-5 for first time this century and eighth time ever.
FunFact: Commodores still smarting from turn of century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as linebackers sent to help out in training room inadvertently tape ankles together instead of individually.
Next Loss: at Kentucky
3. Louisiana-Monroe (0-8; lost to Georgia State 52-34)
Mitigating Factors: Even with sheer depth of B-10 field, Warlords or Warhawks or whatever they’re called maintain coveted B-10 medal stand spot as reward for being first team to eight (8) losses in 2020 (2020)…Inability to rush football, stop others from doing same key to B-10 glory, as UL-M getting out-rushed 258.9 ypg-to-66.0 ypg.
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Warhawks first team to lose 9th-straight game in former Olympic stadium where baseball team that originated in Boston used to play in “in like, dude, basically ever”
Next Loss: at Arkansas State
4. Kansas (0-7; lost to Oklahoma 62-9)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks continue to make strong case for 2020 B-10 glory, B-10 Team of the Quarter-Century honors with eleventh straight loss…Jayhawks never in this one, either, trailing 31-0 before anyone needed deodorant…Offense key, turning two (2) early Sooner turnovers into turnover of their own, punt.
FunFact: Jayhawks highest national ranking in Kickoff Returns (29th; 23.08 ypr), probably because leading the nation with 40 of them, they have so much practice at it.
Next Loss: Texas
5. Bowling Green (0-1; lost to toledo 38-3)
Mitigating Factors: Offense already in mid-season form, punting or turning ball over on nine (9) of first nine (9) possessions…Defense ensures strong early deficit by allowing touchdowns on first three (3) drives…Falcons have lost four (4) straight and 28 of 36.
FunFact: Both teams thrilled at playing in front of announced crowd of zero (0), as empty aluminum bleachers provides greater football-like atmosphere than average midweek MAC crowd.
Next Loss: Kent State (11/10)
6. New Mexico (0-2; lost to Hawaii 39-33)
Mitigating Factors: Total Team Effort (TTE) sees Lobos break out to, blow 7-0, 20-7 leads…Historically strong finishers – key in any pandemic shortened year – Lobos have ended last three seasons with losing streaks of nine (9), seven (7) and seven (7) games.
FunFact: With sheer depth of 2020 field, B-10 pollsters taking wait-and-see attitude with Lobos, even though current eleven (11)-game skid puts them squarely in middle of patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar.
Next Loss: Nevada
7. Mid-American Conference
Mitigating Factors: The MAC is back…With 40 percent of Week 11 survey made up of either conference or its teams, it is easy choice for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award…MAC teams have combined to lose 30 straight games, which B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” is “pretty bad and stuff”.
FunFact: Despite top-to-bottom lousiness, MAC confident it can maintain heroic .500 conference play mark for entire season.
8. Eastern Michigan (0-1; lost to Kent State 27-23)
Mitigating Factors: Showing mettle that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, Eagles blow fourth-quarter lead, though loss not secured until offense levels up with interception on final drive…Schedule maker not kind to Eagles, as with Akron not on schedule inability to lose to B-10’s #1 team could hinder B-10 title chances.
FunFact: Though there are other winless teams out there – like Nebraska – B-10 pollsters comply with obscure B-10 bylaw – is there any other kind? – stating that former B-10 champions that lose November opener in middle of pandemic entitled to courtesy B-10 ranking.
Next Loss: at Ball State (11/11)
9. Penn State (0-3; lost to Maryland 35-19)
Mitigating Factors: Strong start key for Nittany Lions, as defense gives up touchdowns on three (3) of first four (4) possessions…Strong finish key for Nittany Lions, as offense chips in with three (3) second-half turnovers.
FunFact: Nittany Lions bounced from B-10 medal stand thanks to obscure B-10 bylaw – is there any other kind? – stating team with ex-assistant coach in prison for searching for, finding, Arby’s Beefwich in little boys pants can only spend two weeks on B-10 medal stand in any given season.
Next Loss: at Nebraska
10. UMess (0-2; lost to Marshall 51-10)
Mitigating Factors: Imagine B-10 pollsters surprise when they found out UMess actually played a second game this season, with two more losses scheduled for later this month…Minutemen still aren’t any good, as 68 penalty yards, 41 rushing yards gives them weekly best 1.65853-to-1.000 Penalty Yards to Rushing Yards ratio.
FunFact: Current nine (9)-game skid started on Oct 9 last year, marking longest trip to nine (9)-straight losses since 1885-89 squads took four (4) years to lose nine (9)-straight games.
Next Loss: at Florida Atlantic (11/20)
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Penn State at Nebraska
Big Ten Thriller Of The Week: Penn State at Nebraska
Blowout At OK Corral: Nevada at New Mexico
